Social Lore

Since I’ve been old enough to think, I’ve been thinking about what I think about (more and more, as time goes by). Now that I’m all old and 30, I have a strong enough knowledge base to provide a helpful little guide of things you all should know by now at a social level. I don’t mean how to tie a half windsor or who to blame it on if you call your significant other by your ex’s name because I won’t know those answers until I’m 40. For now, I’m talking about Social Lore.
What Should I Know?
In order to be accepted by your peers and by myself in social situations, you need to be sitting on a certain basic level of socially relevant information. We’ll assume you’re between 20 and 35 years old, both for the purposes of me being able to fantasize about you [legally] and so that my guide is relevant for your age bracket. Not all of these may apply to you, and you really should know just about all of them already. If you don’t, get ready for me to fill in some of your holes! I only mean that last part as an analogy.
Bros: Never Leave Another Bro Hanging
I shouldn’t have to say this. I mean in fairness I shouldn’t have to write any of this but I am so let’s keep moving. If you actually don’t know what I’m talking about then either you’re a pious dick or you’ve been raised by some form of wildlife that doesn’t know what a high-five is. So, not eagles.
Fig 1. Bro approaches for High-Five
This isn’t just a segue into the closest comparable thing that heterosexual American dudes do instead of kissing each other’s faces. This is the lift-off sequence for awesomeness. The high-five says anything from ‘I accept your apology.’ to ‘Let’s do sooooo much drugs tonight!!’ and everything in between, and it says it using only you and your bro’s hand.
Fig 2. Golden High-Five Explosion
Putting one’s hand up for a high-five is a symbol of trust – you do not betray that trust. Maybe the saddest thing I’ve ever seen was back at Umass when a girl was half asleep on a bench in the campus center kissing midair because she thought her bf was there and then she woke up and realized that she was alone. The piece of my heart that knew how to pity imploded at that moment and as a result I think I shit blood for a week, and I’d still rather have that happen to me than for one of my bros to leave me hanging.
*Possible exceptions – someone wants a high-five after saying something horribly racist/your worst enemy wants a high-five.
Boba Fett
If you don’t know who this guy is and why he’s worth knowing, here’s a helpful guide just for you. Choose between A and B:
B) Get out of my life until A)
One could argue that Boba Fett’s been played out a little lately; Family Guy and other media have referenced him a bunch. I’ll be honest, when I saw a Boba Fett bobbly head doll in a Newbury Comics a few years ago I thought I was over him too. I’m not saying I started hating him, I was just like ‘Eh, I’m over this’. But maybe that wasn’t fair of me; it’s not Boba’s fault he’s been marketed so ruthlessly. I am happy to say that recently, I’ve fallen back in love. It’s got to be the helmet; that and the rest of his Mandalorian battle armor are really his only defining features. Oh and his freaking jetpack. Come to think of it Fett actually has a relatively small part in the movies that he’s in, but he plays the role of a quiet, neutral badass perfectly. He has to specifically be told ‘No disintegrations’. He’s not friends with the Empire and he’s not friends with the Republic, he’s friends with Fett…and credits. I’m not even a huge nerd and I glimpsed a comic book a few years ago where he fought Darth Vader  with a lightsaber! The goddamned Sarlacc couldn’t even kill him. Ohhhhh that’s right, he survived…but you should know that already. I’m not saying you need to go to Target right now and buy the life sized Boba Fett toy helmet but I am saying Ben brought it over my apartment once to show us before he brought it to a Secret Santa, and I wanted it.
*Possible exceptions – you have never been with a man.
Final Fantasy VII was perhaps the best RPG created
I promised myself I’d try and leave video games out of this post, and I did. I did try, but I’m just a man. If you’ve played this game for the original Playstation, then you know I’m right. There is no rebuttal, because spoiler, Sephiroth kills Aeris.
I said ‘perhaps’ in the title because obviously there is room for error. Final Fantasy VII practically looks like a phone app compared to more modern games like say I dunno, Skyrim. But consider what they did with the tools they had. And yes it looks like crap now, but again leave room for context. ALL video games looked like this 15 goddamned years ago, back when you were a teenager. In fact I remember FF7 looking great compared to other games that I played at the time. Now there are tons of other elements that put this game in the running for best RPG ever, including great gameplay, deep involving story and a complex leveling-up system, but I’ll focus on this untimely death because when someone says ‘Final Fantasy VII’ this is the first thing I think of. I don’t think it was unheard of for usable main characters to be killed off in video games back then, but it was pretty rare. The game went out of its way to make you care for that character and succeeded big time, and then bam, dead. DEAD. When this occurred back in the day when I was playing, two things happened to me. The first was that I went through the Seven Stages of Grief and then actually added an Eighth stage “Throw the fucking controller”. Secondly, I used all of my considerable video game skill to look for a way to bring her back to life in the game, which including buying and reading the strategy guide. Keep in mind this was before youtube and cheat videos, and I was the only one of my friends who played this game at the time. I was suddenly alone, without a suitable love interest or Healer in my party. When I beat Sephiroth, I felt like a freaking white knight.
*Possible exceptions – you have never played Final Fantasy VII.
Internet memes and disgusting videos have their place
For every Y U NO meme, (awesome) there’s a Two Girls One Cup video (you are going to Hell). In this category, everyone enjoys their own personal flavor of crap – and yes, that pun was set up and carefully constructed. Regardless of your flavor the fact is you must acknowledge that these things exist; sooner or later someone will reference one of them socially and you don’t want to be caught with your pants down, unless we’re talking about another horrible video. For the love of God, don’t just go onto youtube and intentionally look for disturbing videos unless you have a camera rolling and you’re trying to set a record for maximum volume of vomit a single human can expel. Similarly, if all you did all day was surf for memes, you’d lose touch with reality and probably become very bitter. It’s just good to know that they’re out there – don’t be an ostrich with your head in the sands of time. I just made this crappy meme right now, but for all I know someone else made it already weeks ago.
And again I stress, don’t go hunt for messed up videos online, if you have a weak stomach you shouldn’t even watch them. Just know that they exist, maybe ask a friend who’s seen them what they’re about so you’ll know. For example, if you’re the one person left in the whole internet who hasn’t seen Two Girls One Cup that probably means you didn’t get my joke about ‘your own personal flavor of crap’. Also, don’t ever watch it. Don’t don’t don’t, never do. When the world ends we need to have one clean soul to beg God’s forgiveness on our behalf, and it can’t be us. He knows what we did.
*Possible exceptions – you don’t own a computer or smartphone/you are over 55.
Wolverine’s real name
Is not Logan, it’s James Howlett. This information is a decade old so I don’t feel bad telling you, grandpa.
*Possible exceptions – you don’t know who Wolverine is, I guess.
Dumb and Dumber changed the face of comedy
The Joker in the Dark Knight refers to himself as an Agent of Chaos. As an aspiring Agent of Humor, I believe this statement wholeheartedly. What were the best comedies before 1994? Well let’s see we’ve got some Mel Brooks movies, Airplane, Caddyshack and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Maybe Christmas Vacation if I’m feeling charitable, which I’m not. Dumb and Dumber combined physical humor with amazing writing, and put that in a semi-realistic story/setting. I didn’t go to film school but I’m really hard pressed to think of another movie that did this before Dumb and Dumber came along, or did it that well. Just look at comedies that came before and after; not just whether or not the jokes are funny, but the structure. So many comedies follow this joke skeleton. The Farrelly brothers, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels paved the way for the modern comedic formula with amazing dialogue and poop jokes (arguably the funniest scene), plus they did it without nudity to speak of, or even marijuana use. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, and then call me over and we’ll watch Dumb and Dumber and laugh our asses off at every single scene.
*Possible exceptions – I can’t really think of any.

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10 thoughts on “Social Lore

  1. I can harken back to the day when a med student who was well known to be irritating attempted to give a high five to a more popular student that got a question right on Neurology Jeopardy. The popular student pretended not to notice, just staring vaguely in the distance, a distance that included the open palm waiting to be recognized and slapped. The annoying girl held her hand up and even made a few sounds to get the pretty one’s attention but withdrew her request for her five to become a high five after about 8 seconds. I watched with delight, since I too hated the annoying one but also horror and disgust. The annoying girl was a known quantity but the real lesson learned was to never trust the cool one again. Now I know she’ll stoop to any level of evil.

    • Jesus Deirdre that’s actually pretty deep. Do I know her?!

      • You don’t know either of them but I wished you did. I will never forget the conflicting emotions I had that day…kinda like seeing your enemy walk into a car and not knowing wether to laugh, call for help or cry. Such are the things that keep me up at night.

  2. erin on said:

    I have not seen 2 girls 1 cup, but I will save you a seat in hell.

  3. I want in the front but not the first row…I think I want to see it all but I also don’t want to be called on too often.

  4. I always appreciate a great article or piece of writing. Thanks for the contribution.

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