Yup, you read that right. Unlimited fucking Power.

I’ve figured it out. But before I show you we need an agreement. After you read through this post, I’ll need you to leave a comment testifying that you won’t scroll down any further until you swear that you won’t market my invention without cutting me in on some of the profit. If you don’t agree, close out of this page right now. I’ve already harvested your pageview. I don’t want much, just 50%.

50% of infinity.

Behold, the FUTURE!

This has actually been on my chalkboard for months, in the secrecy of my kitchen. Only now will I share with the world my Ultimate Design. There are a ton of moving parts here, so I’ll walk you all through it nice and slow. We don’t want to blow a gasket just yet do we? Let’s start with the originating statement: we need to get (X+Y)>Z. For you jocks, that means we need for the sum of X and Y combined to be greater than Z. Once we do that, my biggest problem will be deciding what color I want my fully functional Mandalorian armor and jetpack in, black or jet black.

“Alright” you say, “I totally want in…but what’s this (X+Y)>Z  nonsense?” Before I can explain the variables, I need to explain the big picture. What you see above you is a closed system with three components. An energy tube (think like a waterslide but literally infinitely more powerful), a fixed number of solid steel balls (I have two), and an automated ball handler which I have lovingly named ‘Karen’, [hypothetically] after this bitch who lived next door to Joe an I about a year ago. The balls roll down the energy tube, they get to the bottom, and Karen handles them and brings them back up to the top again; a never ending cycle of embarrassment, just like her actual life.

Alright so let’s get mathin’. We’ll begin with X, which is basically the output of the energy tube.

How does a tube produce energy?? It’s actually pretty easy when the interior of the tube is lined with energy tiles, fool. All the way from here I can hear the first door opening in your mind. It gives off a musty odor, like going into your friend’s grandpa’s attic when no one’s been up there for years. Yes, the entire tube is lined with energy tiles! Every inch the ball rolls produces energy because gravity, which is free AND constant, will always roll the ball over my (not really my) precious little tiles. In the upper left you’ll see where I painstakingly magnified a portion of the tube to closely demonstrate them, and days later Sarah and I got drunk and played tic-tac-toe in it (I won!). X’s and O’s aside, I understand that the energy tiles produce a tiny amount of energy as they exist today. Yes, this tube would have to be miles long before it could generate any significant power. But with time the technology will advance, and each and every single one of these little energy tiles will give a much greater output. For simplicity’s sake, the tube above is just shaped like a simple letter “S”, but the real one will probably be coiled like a spring or something so as to increase the amount of surface area that I can harness out of my energy tube. I’m not sure – I’ll let the engineers figure out the optimal pattern or shape of the slide. So, now you have X. You increase the length of the slide, you increase X. I’m sure there’s a mathy name for this in an equation, but I’ll just say that X is dynamic, or subject to change depending on how long we build this energy tube. Are you ready for more?

Y is easy, Y is simply the kinetic energy of each of the steel balls. Steel balls weigh a lot, I know. When they finally reach the bottom of the energy tube, they drop onto some platform or maybe ram against some wall that absorbs their kinetic energy. The yield of Y will be tiny when compared to the yield of X, but this is science. There will be a fixed number of balls (remember this is a closed system), and they’ll all weigh the same and when they reach the bottom their kinetic energy will always be the same, so Y is constant.

The Automated Ball Handler is Z, but for scientific purposes I’ll refer to her as Karen. She is some type of device which rotates the balls (heh) and lifts them back up to the top, so that they can embark on another bountiful ride down the energy tube. Weeeeeeeeee, power! I don’t care if she looks like a crude pulley or elevator system, or like the device that brings roller coaster cars up to the top of that first drop. Whatever Karen actually looks like, she is automated and she brings the balls back up. Much like the human Karen, my automated Karen sucks in energy from everything around her; she needs power. We need to feed Karen forever, so that she can continue to handle these balls. The power that Karen needs for ball handling is represented by Z. Since there’s always the same amount of balls and they’ll always weigh the same and Karen always does the same job, Z is also constant.

 So there you have it! I look at this on my chalkboard almost every day and yell “Unnnnnlimited Pooooowweeerrr!!!’ a la the Emperor when he blows Mace Windu the fuck out the window in Star Wars III with force lightening. All we need to do is get X+Y to equal more than it takes to feed Karen. Since Y will never change, we need to increase X. Thankfully, we can make that energy tube almost as long as we please! Make it higher or make it longer! Have the engineers come up with a better shape for it which maximizes how long it can be versus how high it must be. Wait for the technology of the energy tiles (which actually exist right now but just suck) to improve! I sum it up quite brilliantly right here:

The moment that X is large enough so that adding it to Y yields a number bigger than Z, add one single more tile, then go build 50 of these things and hook them up to each other. Then build 100 and then 1000. So what’d you do today? I created UNLIMITED POWER.

Note how my almost complete lack of education in higher math did not deter me in the least from solving the entire world’s energy problems. I would also like to point out some of the other scribblings on the board. There is a weird little tripodish shape in the lower left which I believe is the flux capacitor of the Delorean. You may have also noticed a friendly note from Erin to Sarah. Hi Sarah, hi Erin! The orange which I specifically did not mention represents the potential energy of the steel balls. This is what proves my entire argument wrong because fuck you friction, fuck you to death. After meeting resistance from virtually every person I talked to who knows anything about math or physics, I’ve come to understand that friction is the knife in my design’s back, along with countless other flaws. Let’s say friction is the biggest knife coated in a fast acting poison.

Fuck You Friction
If you grok math, then you know. If you’re like me, here’s what I mean.
Disclaimer: An astute or educated reader should have figured out by now that I have no idea what I’m talking about. Below is literally by best interpretation of what three separate people tried to hammer into my skull independently of one another. Since I don’t fully understand it, it may not be accurate.
A ‘fresh’ steel ball will begin it’s descent with a fixed amount of potential energy; we’ll say 100 units. As it rolls down my awesome invention, it basically releases it’s potential energy in exchange for the kinetic energy that the energy tiles produce. The longer the energy tube is, the less potential energy the steel ball has as it rolls. If we make the tube long enough, the ball will eventually run out of potential energy and essentially not roll any further. Personally I find this to be a crock of shit because whoever heard of a steel ball not rolling down an energy tube anymore? What, like it’s just going to stop rolling, defy gravity and stick to the side of the tube??? According to my stupid mathy friends who are smarter than me and also jealous, yes.
Now if there was no such thing as friction, we wouldn’t even have to WORRY about potential energy. In fact, we wouldn’t even be HAVING this conversation (I am yelling at my screen) because I’d have marketed this thing already and I’d be paying someone funnier than me to write this fucking blog for me! GAHHHHHHHH DIE FRICTION DIE DIE!!!

Ok I’m done.


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2 thoughts on “UNLIMITED POWER

  1. Have you considered the lube co-efficient? Karen’s hands may get sticky from her ball handling but as far as I know, lube is the friction antidote.

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