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The Best Movie I’ve Ever Seen

Imagine it’s 1:30pm on a Saturday. Your girlfriend just left to host a wine tour and you have the apartment allllll to yourself. You don’t want to get nastilicious but you DO want to have a good time. You did laundry already, you worked out, the entire day is ahead of you and the beer crisper is full. Right when it dawns on you that you have no responsibilities until maybe 8pm, Ben calls and says he wants to chill. Pop quiz hot shot. What do you do? What do you do? 

Ben arrives around 3pm. We ask about each other’s Fridays and how Saturday has treated us so far, but when we’re done with the fluff it’s straight to business.

Let’s get destroyed.

We beer up and ascend to the mancavern. Now I’ve been friends with Ben for over a decade so my extensive movie collection holds few surprises for him, but even so we look it over. I’m not in the mood for Killer Clowns From Outer Space and we’ve seen Dead Alive one too many times, which is twice. Big Trouble in Little China was so last year – if only Ben had brought Beastmaster! Personally I could do Dog Soldiers but Ben harbors extreme hatred towards it. This is something I’ve had to acclimate myself to over the years, like getting into a historical debate with one of those people who believe the Earth is only 8,000 years old and that carbon dating is made up by scientists falsifying their data specifically to disprove God’s existence.

That might sound far fetched to some of you but in middle school I was involved in one such debate and the other dude was absolutely insistent that this was the case. After 30 minutes of solid, logical, legitimate debate your argument sort of reaches an impasse. It boils down to the fact that I can’t actually prove that carbon dating is accurate because I’m not a carbon dating scientist, but I don’t actually believe that it’s been globally falsified because I’m not a retard. I realize that there are some viewpoints that you just need to walk away from and respect the other person’s belief system even if you don’t agree with it.

It is in this fashion that Ben and I tolerate each other’s opinion of Dog Soldiers.

Where was I? Ah, Saturday. We knew we wanted to splinter our minds, but from which angle? Who’s driving this rollercoaster?

Fate.

Ben grabs my remote like it belongs to him and heads for the Pay Per View section of the cable box. Slow down cowboy, money don’t grow on trees. Why don’t we see if we can get ‘er done in the Free Movies section. For the unacquainted, the Comcast Free Movies area is divvied into two sections, A-L and M-Z. By this point my buzz is thumping and time is wasting; we tear through A-L posthaste. This isn’t looking good, we might have to buck up and actually pay for a movie. We begin wading through M-Z a little more cautiously and lo, what is this cinematic gem just hiding out in the Ns?? This can’t be real, it must be a mirage. How could our wants and desires crystallize so acutely? It can’t be possible; what are the odds?

Fine Perry, there might be a God but I still don’t believe the world is only 8,000 years old. Solely as a matter of principle we scroll through the rest of N-Z. The moment we arrive at the bottom of the list Ben sprints back to the Ns so fast I think his remote hand gets thumb burn. We read the description, nod our heads and he presses play immediately. The single brain cell in my head that didn’t just blow it’s load all over the place fires up and propels the rest of me into action. I grab the remote and pause the movie. Ben looks at me like he wants to hit me, but then he realizes. We can’t just dive into this headfirst. We did not prepare.

Properly prepared, we proceed into this post apocalyptic nightmare. By the way, the description from IMDB reads:
In a post-Armageddon world, a young woman finds herself in a fight for survival against mutant cavemen, dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals.
Now it never explicitly mentions this but after seeing scores of shitty movies with my bros I am no stranger to this genre, and I have learned to read between the lines. In no uncertain terms, the title and description of this movie guarantee me three things:

  • Radioactive boobs
  • Loincloths
  • Dinosaurs

The movie begins with an exxxtra sultry voice over, a promise of boobs to come. The harlot explains to Ben and I that the modern world has destroyed itself in nuclear holocaust. The lambent radiation has caused excessive mutation in all manner of animals. We are then treated to a scene of literally the worst claymation I’ve ever seen of a dog “mutating” into a giant lizard-like creature.

So, the ‘dinosaurs’ aren’t dinosaurs at all; they’re actually just mutated house pets and livestock. You cruel nymphoid temptress, you know we’ve already taken the bait! (dinosaurs, scratch).

The next scene of what passes for the prologue shows a scavenger running after his dog which apparently got loose – WHY IS THAT DOG NOT MUTATED?? – in a field. The dog outpaces the man, and a giant hole just opens up in the ground. A colossal claymation worm pops out of the hole and eats the dog just like that. The man arrives right in time to see his dog get eaten, and then we are treated to the title screen:

Ben aptly points out that technically this isn’t dinosaur hell at all because A) it’s Earth,  not Hell, B) those aren’t actually dinosaurs and C) even if they were actually dinosaurs, this isn’t their Hell, it’s ours. Ben does this because he needs another shot.

Now past the prologue, the opening scene does not disappoint. I’ll try not to exaggerate anything. The main character is Lea, a young woman with amazing post-armageddon hair travelling alone wearing ripped jeanshorts and furs. There’s provocative bathing (no boobs), an attempted gang rape, two murders, an introduction to the scavenger whose dog just eaten, and another claymation related fatality. The fight scenes are so slow and lame that I am 100% convinced that Ben and I could film a better one without a script on my front lawn right now. Lea and the scavenger shack up together and decide to join forces.

The Entire Rest of this Shitty Movie:
Venturing deeper into this fable, details get foggier, cloudier. This could be related to alcohol consumption but who can really say? The following is all true to the best of my memory:

There is an evil wandering warlord who is indirectly in control of three lizardmen thralls. The warlord comes complete with toothy helmet, black leather armor and broadsword (at least they have smithies in the future!) In one scene the lizardmen henchmen track down and slaughter a little troll. The warlord saunters up to the body, slices the hand off and munches on it like a runner would eat a powerbar.

Then they beat the crap out of the scavenger, bind Lea and take her away, presumably to make lizard babies with her. I remember an escape attempt, another rape attempt, and yet another claymation fatality. A faceless, mask-wearing wandering warrior wearing red armor comes to Lea’s rescue. At this point we’re an hour in – still no boobs.

Following swordplay that reminded me of stick fights I used to have with my little brother 20 years ago in my grandma’s backyard in New Jersey, the evil warlord kills the faceless one. Meanwhile back at the ranch, the scavenger is found and nursed back to health by a wandering old man who collects knowledge and artifacts from the old age. He bestows the gift of shotgun upon the scavenger and sends him forth, that he might free his lady fair. We encounter loincloth (loincloth, check). There is a final conflict, a third and final attempted rape, and yes, another claymation fatality. The scavenger frees the girl, who is finally, oddly up for some consentual sex (radioactive boobs, check!).

Now What?
That single brain cell died about an hour and 22 minutes ago, and I am lost.

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One thought on “The Best Movie I’ve Ever Seen

  1. I am going to put this video down on my netflicks. However, I request your play by play on a little sweet movie that is known to the world as Showgirls. It is my favorite movie so you can borrow the DVD from me.

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