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Vengeance

When is the last time you exacted vengeance?

venge·ance

   [ven-juhns]  Show IPA
noun
1. infliction of injury, harm, humiliation, or the like, on a person by another who has been harmed by that person; violent revenge.

I did this President’s Day weekend, and it was long overdue. I believe that violence is generally awesome in movies and video games, but generally awful in real life. If you don’t believe me go youtube a real fistfight right now; you’ll likely be treated to a grainy video of two goombas (I can say it, I’m Italian) hashing it out in a parking lot somewhere at night. Everything about it will be undignified and underwhelming. Watching it won’t make you feel righteous. This weekend my vengeance was justified, and I felt righteous.

The recipient of my holy rage was my ‘smart’ phone, my droid Eris to be precise. I tried looking for negative reviews for this piece of crap device but instead I found a ton of reviews that placed it at 4 out of 5 stars, which to me is absolutely insane. I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS! My Eris was absolutely littered with bugs and performance issues. Dropped calls were commonplace and texting felt like a chore because the touchscreen fluctuated between ‘completely nonresponsive’ and ‘extremely sluggish.’ I would press a letter, keep typing the word, and the phone took so long to think about the first letter that it would convert it to a number, then get two more letters deep into the word and then stall again. Once I hit the too many text messages bug it got even worse. All functions including placing and answering calls became tremendously slow to the point of being almost completely unusable. If I clicked on a contact sometimes it would do nothing. The only positive outcome of the phone’s absolutely and utterly poor performance was that Fruit Ninja ran so poorly that I accomplished a high score of 826 on Arcade Mode. Just ask Ben; the pieces of fruit on my phone were so slow it was like bullet-time in The Matrix. On Fridays I work from home and my work calls are routed to my phone. About a year ago when my Eris dropped the 500th work call, I made up my mind. I’m not just going to replace this piece of garbage, I am going to smash it. Glorious vengeance will be mine, in time.

A week ago I upgraded to the Galaxy Nexus and needless to say, the difference is night and day. Now that my Eris was old news, another person might have recycled it or simply thrown it away. I might have too, if I didn’t have lava coursing through my veins at the mere sight of it. But I am not entirely devoid of pity; I actually began to have second thoughts! However, these second thoughts exploded like the Death Star when the Eris crashed 56% of the way through uploading my Contact List onto my Nexus, forcing me to input the rest manually. I held it in my hand and smiled. My shitty little friend, you have just sealed your fate. I will grant you the release from this existence that you so cravenly yearn for.

The execution occurred this past weekend at the Blue Hills Reservation in Milton, MA. My plan was both calculated and premeditated. I understand that hiking on a reserve carrying a baseball bat is likely to be frowned upon, so I brought my hiking backpack specifically for the purpose of concealing the Zombie Denter 2000, aka the metal bat in my trunk. My friends and I hiked the Blue Hills Skyline trail for awhile, eventually reaching the Observation Tower, which was kind of neat. The entire time I had my eyes out for a suitable location, and on the way back I found it.

I’d wanted a nice flat stump in the middle of a clearing for dramatic effect, but this simple flat rock slightly off to the side of the trail caught my eye. This where my Eris met its maker, which I have no doubt is Satan himself.

I looked down at it and held Zombie Denter 2000 calmly. Is this really necessary? I’m a grown ass man, do I really need to smash this? This isn’t what people do. Maybe my friends are right; maybe smashing it would be bad karma.

Fuck that. It’s not bad karma because the phone doesn’t have a soul, and if it does it’s as black and cold as an unpolished obsidian doll’s eye lost in a bag of coal inside the belly of Cthulhu at the bottom of the ocean. I am the light, and I am your enemy. TASTE VENGEANCE!!

My first hit actually missed the phone and struck the rock, but this would mark the last time the Eris ever got the better of me. My next strike felt like an angel diving face first into a cloud made of virgin-mana. Direct hit. Quickened, I forgot about my surroundings and pressed the attack. Never again will I accidentally text “pubic” instead of “public” or the other way around. No more will checking a voicemail require both hands and three to four minutes of my time. You will never frustrate me, waste my time or confuse another one of my friends, nor any human being, ever again

My rage spent, I dropped the bat. I felt cleansed and lighter, like my soul had just taken a shower after a night of sleeping in a dumpster. We re-concealed the bat, packed up, put the pieces of Eris in a bag (I don’t litter) and hiked back to the car. At home, I gave the pieces a final hateful glance and then unceremoniously threw them in the garbage where they belong.

Eris if you are still out there, if you somehow rise from your garbage grave out of the ashes of your own waste like a demonic Phoenix, know that I hate you. I have hated you for years, I have destroyed you, and it saddens me to know that I can only destroy you but once. Rise again to receive my wrath, but know that you have not scarred me. To quote Robert the Bruce from Braveheart, “My hate will die, with you.”

I am better than you.
Galaxy Nexus, it’s your time to shine. You were in the bag the entire trip, next to Zombie Denter 2000. You know what I’m capable of. Do not let me down. Do not suffer my vengeance.

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