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Terminator VIII vs. Rambo’s Son: Blood Ties. This is all your fault.

Quick, name a good original movie that’s been released in the past five years. Alright we’ve got Inception and District 9…anything else? Bueller? Some recent blockbusters that immediately come to mind could be the Batman remakes, Transformers 3, Die Hard 4, all the Harry Potters, etc. The movie industry is either out of original ideas or has ceased turning them into movies; unfortunately this laziness has spread to the gaming industry as well. Look at the major titles that are out right now. Modern Warfare/Battlefield 3, Soul Calibur 5, Mortal Kombat 6, Halo infinity, Mass Effect make more forever.

In both the movie and gaming worlds, these sequels, prequels and series range from awesome to completely retarded. The new Batman movies scratch my parts in all the right places, nice and gently with just the right amount of fingernail. I’ll continue to play Mass Effect games until they run out of Roman numerals to label them with. But the flip side? Terminator 3. Jaws 4. Did you know they’re making a Die Hard 5? By the time it comes out John McClane will be pushing 70. What’s he going to do, throw his colostomy bag at terrorists? Reminds me of this little number…I can’t embed video but watch this, it hits the nail right in the freaking face. That was produced almost 20 years ago in 1993, and it was a valid joke then.

This has been going on since forever, but that doesn’t make it right. With the internet and informative blogs like mine, it’s easier now more than ever to spot this laziness on the part of producers. But really who’s to blame? Take a look in the mirror. Yes, that shadowy figure behind you is me, and yes, the cleaver is real. It may be both of our faults, but at least I have the drop on you.

This is our fault, as consumers.

  • Editor’s note: When I say “consumers” I always picture a heavyset man on a couch in the Midwest, perhaps Kansas. His name is Ralph.

Yeah Ralph, it’s your fault. I blame you for going to the theaters to watch Jaws 4. I blame you for sending the message to Hollywood that if they put steaming hot piles of crap like Rocky V in front of you, you’re going to lap them all up and then lick your fingers clean when you’re done.

I’m guilty too, though my crimes spill more into the gaming world – I haven’t seen a movie in theaters for like a year. So long as they keep giving me the choice to get xenofreaky with hot alien babes in Mass Effect games, I will continue to purchase them.

Why should vampiric sloth-like producers and directors risk anything by creating new formulas that audiences may not like, when they already have well beaten story lines which still have a few drops of lifeblood and dignity to lazily drain out? There’s no incentive! Not with the Ralphs of the world falling down over themselves to see the newest iteration of 21 Jump Street or American Reunion. Do you know how many “American Pie” offshoots they made cashing in on this franchise? I won’t list them here because I respect most of you. Also, Stifler is 35 now…I’m not even going to follow that up with a joke because that IS a joke. Stifler, I don’t want to see you get into zany antics anymore! Won’t someone back me up here? No, you Ralphs are all probably too busy pre-ordering tickets to see whose jizz Stifler drinks this time around. How’s the pale ale?

If you kick and drag a dead horse around for long enough, eventually it will fall apart. That is a gross visual. Prequels, sequels, series and remakes are the order of the day, but these methods can’t last forever. What’s next? How will these industries stay alive? The optimistic Bello says a resurgence of creativity and originality will give rise to brand new story lines, but the Bello who checks IGN.com every day to see if the release date for Mass Effect 3 has magically been pushed forward says, crossovers.

And so we come to Terminator VIII vs. Rambo’s Son: Blood Ties. Its simplicity is its brilliance and its lack of originality is its heritage. Arnold Schwarzenegger will make a cameo appearance as an old grizzled resistance fighter, perhaps Kyle Reese’s father. Old ass Rambo survived the devastation of Skynet’s initial nuclear holocaust and raised his son to be a guerrilla warfare expert. Terminators find Rambo’s hut in the jungle, and Rambo valiantly sacrifices himself to ensure his son’s escape. John Rambo’s son Jack Rambo flees and joins The Resistance. He is initially met with opposition, but then welcomed into the ranks by Arnold. The Resistance steals another time travel device and are preparing to send Jack back in time to assassinate Miles Dyson, but Terminators find their hideout and incinerate everyone except Jack, who is forced to flee again. Rambo Jr (who just hates being called ‘Junior’) covers himself in mud made from the ashes of his incinerated squad mates and stalks the Terminators with his laser knife. This works because all the Terminators see in infrared now and this worked in Predator (so back off). After terminating most of the Terminators, Rambo Jr is captured but taken alive (PLOT TWIST!!). They bring him back to the head Terminator mainframe for study and interrogation but of course he breaks free. He kills more Terminators of a new make and model that we haven’t seen yet, then destroys the entire mainframe by throwing his laser knife right into the fucking motherboard. Yaaayyy we all cheer but then it shows a back up motherboard is firing up. New young fresh Rambo hops into the last remaining time machine on the planet which of course is situated right in the Terminator’s lair and sends himself back in time to go finally fucking kill Miles Dyson once and for all. As he fades from time he holds up the knife which we never actually saw him retrieve from the motherboard, grits his teeth and mutters “I’ll be back, because you drew first blood.” Fade out, Terminator music imbued with splashes of Rambo music, credits, make four more of them.

Goddamnit Ralph. Look what you made me do.

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