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Bow to DARPA

Have you reached your terror quota for the week yet? It’s only Tuesday so those of you who don’t work at a child daycare facility probably haven’t yet. Here, let me help with that.

Out of what oily demonic womb did DARPA birth this mechanical abomination? Our entire planet is now that much closer to resembling one of my nightmares. Just click it, it’s less than a minute. This coincidentally is the same amount of time it takes for Robocheetah to catch up to you and rip your dick off. 

Make no mistake, this is a “combat robot”. It was not invented to ferry medical supplies anywhere; its purpose is to specifically outrun and outmaneuver humans on foot. But why? I ask. They haven’t said exactly why, but I’ve compiled a list of probable why-nots:

  • Not to bring you a soda
  • Not to bring you material aid of any kind
  • Not to actually help you in any way
  • Not to not catch you
  • Not to not kill you

They say that supposedly in the future it may be reworked for “humanitarian purposes” but that is a load of crap. If I was inventing a robot designed to bring you aid, why would it need to be able to run faster than you, or to outmaneuver you? What if it’s being shot at by the bad guys you say? Then design it to withstand or evade bullets, not a person on foot. It’s not like the bad guys are going to be running after this thing on foot trying to beat it with a stick. There’s only one reason you tailor anything to be able to outmaneuver another specific thing: to catch it.

So this thing catches you and corners you in an alley, then what? I don’t see how it could detain you though I guess you could attach a net gun to it or something, but that’s not really efficient if you ask me. Just give it claws, or maybe an actual gun, or BOTH! Imagine seeing one of these things running at you and knowing that you can’t outrun it. Note the lack of head, which I find to be a terrifyingly efficient design choice. I think DARPA should give it a fake lightweight head that just has a sensor inside of it. Every time the head is shot, the bullet activates a program which randomly selects an intimidating sound effect and plays it at a deafening volume through built-in speakers. The choices can differ based on region and victim demographic language, but the three defaults would likely be a vicious sounding jaguar scream, the impotent ‘ping’ sound that a BB pellet makes when it strikes a solid steel I-beam, or insanely loud maniacal clown laughter. Whatever it takes to get the target to realize exactly how fucked they are and stop trying to damage the hardware. Just stop struggling and allow Robocheetah to saunter up to you and disembowel cleanly. No need to prolong this.

Dennis: can you imagine when the army is using these things
my guess is enemies just look at it
then point their own gun directly between the eyes and pull the trigger

Dennis is right. Right off the factory belt, Robocheetah will come installed with two default prime directives.
1. Demoralization
2. Evisceration

Let’s get a little more realistic. I’m athletic (or was at one point) and I believe if one of these was coming at me I could probably just knock it down. Then Bello smash. But what about two of them simultaneously, stalking me in a coordinated fashion? What about three? What about a pack, or a swarm?

These exist now. What you’re looking at is a swarm of nano “quadrotors” or “fucking scary little flying machines” to the layman. They can hover and easily maneuver around obstacles, and they are programmed to coordinate their movements with one another. This is swarming behavior. Watch that video above, but do it on a toilet if you scare easy so that your terror piss doesn’t get everywhere. I ain’t paying for new work pants. It’s not a far stretch at all to assume that this programming can be applied to Robocheetah. Get back on the toilet if there’s still any fluid left inside of you because you’re not done. Packs of Robocheetahs working in unison. 

So let’s see what do we have so far…

Right now, Robocheetah can outrun you and hunt you down.
Right now, programming exists which may allow multiple Robocheetahs to pursue, swarm and slit a single target to death in a coordinated and efficient manner.

DARPA you’re so close – there’s only one puzzle piece missing. Can you see it? The light at the end of this murder tunnel? Do it DARPA, do what you were formed to do. Only one last piece of programming. Only one last scientific hurdle. The Robocheetahs are deadly and efficient alone. They can be made to coordinate efforts and objectives; to kill as a team. Only one goal remains. Harmony. UNIFICATION.
 Please DARPA, from one Voltron fanatic to another. We’ve never been this close!

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