You Sank My Battleshit!
Disregarding many generally accepted conventions of humanity and my own safety, last night I ate nearly an entire large Spicy Chicken pizza.
Of course, what single piece of spicy chicken pizza would be complete without first being doused in both extra hot Valentina sauce, and also crushed red pepper? None of them! Anyone familiar with biology should understand the pickle that I got myself into by doing this. I should know better than this by now, seeing that I’ve done this to myself before. When I mentioned this to her, Sarah innocently asked me what I was talking about and I said “You eat a whole pizza…you poop a whole pizza.” They say “Everybody Poops” and it’s true, but not everybody poops out an entire pizza that was drenched in the culinary equivalent of Mexican magma.
As I paid my penance this morning, an idea flew threw my brain. Actually many ideas flew through my brain, first among them the marketability of a product that eases ass heartburn. Assburn Away? Bum-Aid? I think there’s potential here…
No, the real idea that got my non-offensive juices flowing was a question: Which movie poop scene is grosser, Harry’s from Dumb and Dumber or the Taco Twins from Harold and Kumar? The explosive debate rages.
Dumb and Dumber scene < Click here to lose your shit!
Let’s start with Harry, the clear underdog. We should be fair and mention that Harry here was essentially poisoned. For those of you who haven’t seen Dumb and Dumber, 1. I hate you and 2. In the prior scene Harry inadvertently drank a cup of laxative. This hilarious, horrid and most importantly honest display is the result of chemicals and a man’s biology initially fighting with each other, than joining forces and juggernauting their way out through his intestinal tract. Harry won’t go to Hell for this unholiness any more than the little girl from the Exorcist would, and for the same reason: Neither of them are in control of their actions. There are several other noteworthy elements that I want to make sure aren’t overlooked. This is probably the first time any movie has shown something like this. As I mentioned wayyyyy back in one of my first posts, Dumb and Dumber changed the face of comedy. It was pretty bold of the Farrelly brothers to include a scene like this, especially with a blank canvas in terms of direction. That canvas did not stay blank for long and I must say, they executed this scene perfectly. From the frantic desperation leading up to the act to the post expulsion odor embarrassment, this is a scene that I can relate to. In fact, I just related to this scene a few hours ago, and it was awful. The flailing and stomping of the feet, the high pitched whimper that I just so happen to be able to emulate very well, even the man-ass that we’re ‘treated’ to in this scene all contribute to a hilarious, tragic, but most of all relatable experience. That’s what makes it so goddamned funny. I’ve been here before, and if I had hair and an awesome cowboy outfit, that could be me. We are meant to laugh at Harry because it’s hilarious and disgusting, but we are also meant to pity this man because it’s not his fault. It’s as innocent and wholesome as an explosive diarrhea scene could be.
Harold and Kumar scene < Click here to lose your shit!
What is the opposite of a fantasy? DON’T SAY REALITY. This cannot be real, I simply won’t accept it. I know that girls poop but not like this, not like this. In addition to simply being nasty, this is insidious and hideous for a few reasons. It’s like they went to make a stew made of male nightmares and used Nasty as the stock. The director here takes us deep into a dark and ugly world that hopefully doesn’t exist in real life. Hot physiques and British accents notwithstanding, these chicks are wretched. Clearly they’ve played Battleshits before, though not since “back at camp.” This shitty scene demonstrates many angles of grossness. The worst is probably the idea that this is a semi-naturally occurrence for these lovely young ladies; apparently they get the taco shits every time they eat tacos…but they keep eating tacos. Harold and Kumar are literally trapped in the middle stall while all sorts of evil explodes all around them. If you saw the movie We Were Soldiers, I think of the scene where the soldiers are pinned down under excessive mortar fire; they dare not move. By the way take into account that the girls must have known that the middle stall was occupied because the door was closed; they demonstrate that they just don’t give a shit by shitting back and forth with reckless abandon. They just assume the poor victim caught in their poop crossfire is female. This is not right. Imagine the fright in Harold and Kumar’s minds when it dawned on them what they were about to be surrounded by. I’d have ran out of there screaming too.
Alright, lets tally this shit up.
Dumb and Dumber
- Overall Sloppiness – 9
- Preventablity – 2 (he couldn’t help it)
- Sound Effects – 9
- Aftermath – 8 (he looks)
Harold and Kumar
- Overall Sloppiness – 9
- Preventability – 9 (they ate the tacos knowing what it would do)
- Sound Effects – 10
- Aftermath – 5 (WHY SO MUCH TOILET PAPER?!?!)
Sorry Dumb and Dumber. I was rooting for you, I really was. You get credit for originality and taking incentive, but the Battleshits scene is grosser. There’s two attackers, there are innocent victims caught in the middle, it shatters most men’s perceptions about what goes down in the Women’s Room and it is just downright all around awful. Harold and Kumar, you win the prize!
To any movie directors reading this blog: Please, don’t ever try to top this.
Damn! You sank my Battleshit! …Shit.
I never want to understand why all of that toilet paper is necessary.