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Great Punches in History

Last night, not entirely sober, I came across and posted an amazing facepunch gif. It was [gory + glorious =] GORIOUS. However like most of the ideas I get after drinking all afternoon and evening, this conceptual gem wasn’t fully formed yet. And just like a lot of other things I release after drinking all afternoon and evening, I released it prematurely.

What’s better than an awesome close-up of a punch?

Scrolling through many awesome close-ups of punches, that’s what.

Without further delay, I punch these images and small clips right into your brainpan.

Legal Note: It should go without saying that none of this artwork is mine. I tried my best to find the original sources and link to them so as to credit the artists, but the internet is a tricky place. Punch you.

Random Face Explosion

I don’t really know what’s going on here other than a righteous left jab that explodes right through this guy’s entire face. I’m sure it’s taken from some anime movie but I haven’t seen this one. The impact of the apparent superhuman’s left fist splashes right through the victim’s skin and jawbone like a harpoon penetrating a water balloon. The guy’s sunglasses are knocked off because his eyes are projecting out of their sockets and his head explodes like wet tissue paper in a blender. I sure hope that fist belongs to the good guy of the movie. The message that this facepunch is sending is that of pure destruction.

Down for the Count

Even Twilight fans must be sick of Twilight by now. It’s not that I believe they’re able to use logic and reasoning like the rest of us; I just think even they have to stop liking something after it hits them over the head enough time. Playing the role of a normal person for once in my life, I was already sick of Twilight before I’d even heard of it. Now imagine you’re The Count. You’ve been counting the days and hours and minutes and seconds and heartbeats and eyeblinks between the first time you ever heard of this flashy sparkling poser and now, your defining moment, the exact instant of your retribution. You’re the real deal. You’ve been around and more importantly, you’ve been respected since 1972. You’re a vampire and you’ve been teaching children how to count for four decades. Now from out of nowhere, here comes this whiny lovesick sparklepuss stinking up your spot. Unload like a coiled spring, Count von Count. Knock his stupid vampire teeth right out of his face with your all-American superpowered punch. Put this bitch Down for the Count!

Mike Tyson

Forgive the poor quality of this screenshot; the upside is that you can click it to get a 10 second clip of Tyson just decking Zach Galifianakis. There are a few things I love about this newly famous punch.

  • It’s pretty realistic. If you were just standing around and you got suckerpunched by Mike Tyson, that’s pretty much how you’d go down. Like a sack of wet garbage.
  • The punch is delivered perfectly in synch with the drum beat.
  • Phil Collins

Jar Jar

Don’t you wish that was YOUR fist? Watch as the righteous fury of 100,000 fans canonizes itself, personifies itself. Feel the weight of the hate in your fist. By rights it should be too heavy to lift with all that hate inside it, but you curl your fingers into a weapon and launch it with ease. Look how Jar Jar’s stupid eyestalks sway under the force. Look at his stupid tongue blasting out of his stupid mouth. Look at the stupid expression on his face and imagine all the stupid things he ever said. Now imagine all the stupid things he’ll never get to say because of your jaw crushing overhand right cross. You are a hero. Don’t stop, don’t ever stop.

Rocky versus Apollo Creed

This is a great punch in history. The end of a movie, the beginning of a bond. These were simpler times. I don’t want to say too much for fear of negatively influencing the warm memories that I’m sure you associate with this punch. Who is your Apollo Creed? Your best friend, your brother, your dad? The message that this punch delivers straight to your friend’s face is one of friendship.

Superman versus Doomsday

I can’t think of a more famous comic book punch. If anyone actually doesn’t understand what’s happening in this picture, Superman is fighting Doomsday, and Doomsday is actually holding his own against our Man of Steel. SPOILER that I don’t feel guilty revealing, Superman actually dies at the end of this fight. Doomsday goes down too, but WHAAAAT?? Supes is later resurrected somehow in the DC Universe, but the fact of the matter here is that Doomsday is so goddamned tough that he actually goes toe to toe with Superman…and kills him. These famous punches punched an American icon to death.

Agent Smith in the Super Burly Brawl

I’m not even making that up; the name of the ending scene in the Matrix Revolutions is actually “Super Burly Brawl”. Now I know a ton of people didn’t like or maybe even hated the second and third Matrix movies, and that of course is their right. However, even they should admit that the final fight scene, epitomized above, is pretty awesome. This is a great punch through and through. From white knuckle wind-up to face splattering delivery, I’m glad the CGI folks paid close attention to articulating the nuances of this epic five-fingered delivery. This punch is all about power.

Beginning of Karate Kid II

I couldn’t find a picture of him punching through the car windows in the opening minutes of Karate Kid II, but what we have here is the immediate aftermath. This entry is a bit of an oddity in that this is the only one where the punch recipient isn’t another human, however I felt inclined to include it because of the impact it had on all of us. We, the audience, needed this. Sensei John Kreese was a dick the entire first movie and basically got away with it. This bully bullied the karate kid, Mr. Miyagi and even bullied his own students, in and outside of the dojo. We were all basically waiting for him to get his and he finally gets it in classic 80’s style. He bloodies and presumably breaks both his hands by accidentally punching out car windows in a parking lot, right before Mr. Miyagi force feeds him an entire tray of humble pies in front of a crowd of onlookers. Humiliated, rejected, bloodied and exposed as a failure, I also like to think that he’ll end up paying for the windows that he punched out. On the other hand this was the 80’s so he probably just walked away, Diiiiiiiiick.

Mongo

This is indeed a great punch in history, thanks for the suggestion Jade! Not quite sure how they filmed that scene but at this point I don’t think it matters anymore. I’ll confess, I’m actually one of the three people in the entire world who hasn’t seen Blazing Saddles, but even I knew this scene existed because it’s so famous. I don’t want to delve into possible animal cruelty; remember it’s a comedy! The theme of this punch is humor. I guess that’s a little inappropriate but at least it’s not hitting a girl.

Sarah Silverman in The Way of the Gun

Click for clip! The magic happens at 1:56

Blurry picture and an obscure reference I know, but it fully deserves a spot on this compilation. I’m assuming that most of you haven’t seen The Way of the Gun with Ryan Phillipe and Benicio Del Toro, but it’s worth it. You have to watch the clip haha, speed it up to 1:56 in for the delivery. To summarize, the two main characters are pretty much complete assholes, and pick a fight with an entire crowd of people. Sarah Silverman (who I openly love) plays an annoying heckler who’s also a grade A bioootch. Now that doesn’t excuse Ryan Phillipe’s character from fist-blasting her face into the Midwest timezone, but watch that clip and tell me it wasn’t awesome. Can we just all agree that she had it coming? Oh yikes now I think I feel a little bit guilty…you shouldn’t even joke violence towards women in movies, and especially not in real life.

Erin

Hmmm. Sorry Erin!

This has been Great Punches in History.

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4 thoughts on “Great Punches in History

  1. Emotions? Why is this posted under emotions?!

  2. I was feeling emotional when I wrote it.

  3. Clark Kent on said:

    Doomsday is such a pussy. I fucked his shit up.

    Let’s throw Batman in there with him. We’ll see if the net output is ZERO still.

  4. Pingback: Search Me « bellobitesback

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