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Experimenting with Alicia Silverstone

Often, great contributions to society come from a combined effort. In a very general example, the wheel gave rise to the cart, which begot the carriage and eventually the automobile. In a far more specific example, Alicia Silverstone spitting her chewed food into Bear’s mouth begot this blog post. #sentenceswhichhaveneverbeentypedbefore

First of all let’s bring everyone who doesn’t have internet but still somehow reads this blog up to speed. It’s recently been published that Alicia Silverstone, a heretofore respectable young mother and famous actress, routinely feeds her son Bear by eating something, and then expunging it into Bear’s mouth. Here’s a pic!

If that looks suspiciously like a grown-ass woman making out with a toddler to you, it’s because that’s sort of what you’re looking at. Oh, but with food exchange too; plain ol’ boring fluid exchange is so 2009.

This article here will go into the details and show the full, horrible video if you’re actually depraved enough to desire looking at them, but you’re reading this blog in the first place so that’s a 50/50 indicator that you might be.

Please, someone justify this to me. I’m actually asking. I don’t have a waiting snarky comeback or a pre-planned counterargument. I just want to understand how it is that I live in a society that can condone this, but not nipples on tv.

As an aside I also like that the article had to consult a nutritional expert before they were allowed to become confident enough to say hey, maybe this ain’t right.

Apparently Alicia Silverstone’s website which I will not link to justifies this abhorrent behavior…somehow. I’ll admit it, my mind is closed to any possible explanation…but here I’ll try being open minded!

Biologically
This seems like a great way to spread infection. Who the Hell knows what’s been in Alicia Silverstone’s mouth? Haha feel free to speculate in the Comments section (actually don’t). The point is that even if she has a tiny cold, she’s pretty much guaranteeing that she’ll spread it to young Bear here, whose tiny little immune system is in no way prepared for fully grown Alicia Silverstone germs. I wonder if her germs get nourishment by temporarily bonding and dumping nutrients directly into each other too.

Conventionally
We are not birds and humans weren’t designed to eat this way, period. This is not a societal norm anywhere, or at least not in any society that I want to visit. If you honestly believe there’s some kind of benefit due to enzymes helping the food break down, spit it into a plate first and have the kid eat the mush with a spoon. Oh wait, does that sound gross? You’re right, the better, cleaner way is probably to just regurgitate it directly into your son’s face.

Logically
She must understand in some part of her brain that functions correctly that this can only possibly yield results that are ultimately negative. How old will Bear be before she decides he gets to chew his own food? How could this not have negative psychological effects on that kid? I have never made open mouth contact with my mom and by God, I’m going to keep it that way.

Tragically
I guess I do see the value here. In one sloppy regurgitation, she’s managed to both alienate herself from society and tarnish her son’s future with this indecent home video. Is she unable to look into the future and assume that behavior this weird and gross might have somewhat of a negative effect on this kid’s future? Imagine the pranks that Bear’s friends are going to play on him when they see this video when he’s 18. Is Alicia Silverstone’s gauge that broken?

Repairing the Damage
I’m not really sure how you could bounce back from this. I mean, she actually believes it.

Reaching Out
Alicia, listen to me. This isn’t a fad that’s going to catch on. This is weird and actually damaging to your reputation…it’s like those mothers who breastfeed until their kids are like six years old. The world just kind of looks at them and mouths the word “grroossssss.” Besides his name, the worst part of all this for Bear is that he’s just a toddler; he has no conception whatsoever of just how awful this is. He’s not able to choose a different method of nourishment that doesn’t involve you burping pre-chewed slurry right into his mouth. I mean maybe if he wasn’t a toddler…maybe if he wasn’t related to you by direct bloodline? At least then it would fall more firmly into the ‘kinky but legal’ category than whatever category it’s in now. Wait a minute…

Moving Forward
Take a giant bite. Now another. Yes, the whole thing. Put the whole thing in your mouth. The entire burrito. Chew for 20 seconds exactly…mmmm, yeah Alicia, that’s just how I like it. Mmmm, now take a medium-sized swig of that Dr. Pepper, but don’t swallow yet. Let it mellow. Let it mellooooow…now feed the Bello. C’mere…

[buh-buh-burrrrrp]

Hey, what the hell are you still doing here?! THIS IS PRIVATE!!

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