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Motivating the Unmotivated

According to every study which has ever been done on the topic [Source] and also my own eyes, we are steadily getting fatter as a nation. Restaurant portion sizes, 64oz buckets of soda, motorized shopping carts and airplane seats are all expanding to literally accommodate our fat asses. It doesn’t seem like any organizations, companies or even the government are really putting their feet down to try and address the problem, and I can see why. In fact here are just a few very good reasons that I came up with right now.

1. In this country, you can’t legally tell someone that they can’t be fat.
2. Bigger portions, sizes etc means bigger dollars. There is money to be made from fatties.
3. Most of the time, fixing the problem requires the unmotivated to get motivated. This is a psychological issue.

For the most part, all that scientists and officials are able to do is conduct studies which indicate that fat is bad. Thanks guys, that’s why you get the big bucks! I think those results might help to educate the one single demographic left that could possibly believe that husky equals healthy, which of course would be the ‘Time Traveler’ demographic originating from the Renaissance era.

We already know that being gigantic is bad, just like we already know that smoking cigarettes is the fastest way to slowly kill ourselves. The public doesn’t need any additional studies to confirm all the shitty things that obesity does to your body. New data which updates outdated Body Mass Indices and provides new parameters of what exactly qualifies as “obese” isn’t going to help anyone. I just finalized a study myself and the results indicate that everyone who owns a mirror and/or can’t jog half a mile without going into cardiac arrest already knows whether or not they should probably lose some weight. Are you trying to say that your science is better than mine? Because that’s just tripe. A huge portion of delicious, delicious tripe.

But it’s not all bad. I mean look at the humor we get out of it!

Click for 15 seconds of mockery.

As I’ve said before and will say again, what the public so desperately needs is to read this blog. I can do what the government and big corporations are either unable or unwilling to do. I can provide inspiration. To that end I’ve compiled a small list of scenes from movies that are guaranteed to motivate even the laziest of us to powerchug that last bit of Wendy’s frostee, shoehorn their midsections into that pair of mesh shorts we haven’t worn since junior year of college and go pull something at the gym. When you recover, you’ll thank me!

Click for motivation

The Last of the Mohicans
The Last of the Mohicans (jinx!) is split into about 20% Epic and 80% Daniel Day-Lewis running through the lush foliage of upstate New York. Normally I’d encourage you to watch this entire movie because they don’t make ’em like this anymore, but the real goal here is to get your fatness up out of that chair in the first place. Just listening to that song invokes images of Lewis’ character Hawkeye sprinting through the dense forest of my cerebral cortex and tomahawking the shit out of the part of my brain that tells me to put off going on that run until tomorrow. Look at his eyes. You know he’ll cut you.

Any Rocky training montage but mostly Rocky III
*I have an interesting side note about Rocky III. In 2004 I lived with two beasts named Ron and Victor. I came home from work one afternoon and they were sitting in the family room watching tv, drunk and laughing. So far nothing abnormal. I walk by the tv and see it’s Sylvester Stallone giddily splashing around in the ocean wearing impressively short short-shorts. The camera pans to the right and Carl Weathers literally jumps into the shot, wearing bright red shorts of an equally daring fit. (At this point I should mention that I hadn’t seen Rocky III ever, but I immediately knew it was a Rocky movie. Ok back to the action) So Rocky and Apollo are splashing around in the surf like a young couple in love, and then they jump into each other’s arms for the longest documented heterosexual hug ever caught on film since 1982. Connected only by sheer masculinity and separated only by a very thin layer of fabric, they continue to jump up in down in the surf. Victor and Ron are bellylaughing. I should also make a note that I have never been this good friends with anyone and I can’t tell if I’m missing out or not. Then suddenly the screen pauses and becomes distorted; Ron and Vic stop bellylaughing, look up and notice me apparently for the first time. I ask “What the Hell are you guys doing?” but by that time Ron has finished rewinding. The music starts again and I turn to see Sly running down the beach again. An awful realization dawns on me. They’ve been sitting here watching this scene on repeat, drunk, for God knows how long, and apparently this is what happens in my apartment when I’m not home. I shudder and walk to my room and the bellylaughter kicks me in the ass on the way.

You know you want to watch it, just click. I won’t tell.

So anyway, I’m just making it clear that that’s NOT the scene that inspires me to do anything except want to call up Victor and Ron and do a tele-shot of Old Crow with them over the phone. The real motivating scene in Rocky III is after Rocky gets his ass handed to him by Clubber Lang, and he’s working out at Apollo’s gym and he realizes what an out-of-shape piece of trash he’s become (comparatively speaking of course). He’s lost the Eye of the Tiger, but fortunately they made a song specifically for that! In honesty, it’s motivating because it shows that getting into shape is fucking tough and requires more effort and willpower than most people are willing to expend – even if you already thought you were jacked.

Honorable Mention: Vision Quest
If you didn’t wrestle in high school or college, you haven’t ever heard of Vision Quest. If you have, I feel like I should apologize for some reason. For anyone reading this blog who is normal, I can sum it up: A kid in high school trains his ass off to make it to States in wrestling. The entire movie is basically this kid flirting with a girl and working out to try and drop weight so that he can wrestle at a lower weight class; the methods he uses to reach his goal range from “very dangerous” to “literally illegal”. I wrestled in high school and know for a fact that the even the older body mass index standards that they used back in 1999 would have prevented him from wrestling at a weight class that’s so drastically unhealthy for him. Then again Vision Quest was made in 1985, before they had heard of laws, body mass indices or laws about body mass indices. This movie didn’t inspire me to work out so much as it revealed to me at a young age the insane heights that some people can climb to in order to ‘get in shape’. In case that’s unclear, if you train to the extent of the main character in Vision Quest, you are training too hard.

Zombieland
This should appeal to the more logical brains out there, like mine. On a side note, do Zombie Apocalypse movies appeal to the more logical minds among us because we know that we would survive longer? All you emotion-based thinkers out there, you are literally ‘food for thought’ when this shit goes down. Anyway…

Click to view the importance of Cardio in the zombie apocalypse.

I mean just look at it logically.

  • The zombies WILL come
  • Whether they shamble or sprint, the importance of YOUR ability to run cannot be overemphasized
  • Therefore, learn to run

Skip to 1:20 in.

This theme is so important that it is revisited  several times in the movie. Now there’s not a lot offered in the way of fitness instruction or method, but the logic is pure. If cardio becomes a large factor in your survival and you’re enormous, you will quickly be converted into an enormous corpse. Morbid? Maybe. True? Definitely! So hit the stationary bike!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Wait, what? How did this make the cut, you ask loudly, spraying Pringles all over your screen. I’ll go out on a limb and assume that you don’t have the extra-healthy mancrush that I have on Harrison Ford, but even if you don’t you’ll find it hard to argue with this:

That right there is all-American lean cut beefcake. And you know what, even though I’ve done absolutely zero research on the topic, I can pretty much guarantee that Indy got those pipes the old fashioned way: at the gym. I could lie to you and tell you that watching these movies as a kid did not influence my decision to hit the weights at the gym, but you would see right through me because you’re reading this sentence. And I still have a long way to go, I mean look at that arm. Does that NOT lend credibility to how fast the bad guys go down every time Harrison Ford bodytackle-facepunches them in any movie he’s in? It’s his trademark attack.

Hard to Kill
Say what you want about Steven Seagal. Just kidding, I can’t hear you. Arrogant fatass. Aikido Master. Star actor in 20+ shitty movies. Personality of a speed bump. Reserve Deputy Chief. Ok, now that we’ve gotten that out of my system we’re all ready for this.

If you’re like me, you’ve noticed that Seagal rarely if ever has his shirt off in any of his many, many shitty movies. This is because he’s never really been in tremendous shape – but that’s OK! Fortunately for all of us, you don’t need to be in great shape to be inspired. The part that I’m talking about happens after he gets the shit blown out of him with shotguns, wakes from his years-long coma and miraculously escapes from the hospital hitman. SPOILER: I just told you the plot!

Anyway the single part that the movie gets right is that he would be extremely weak and all atrophied up, since he’s been in a coma for so long. But that doesn’t stop Mason Storm, no sir it doesn’t. In a respectable montage, he begins the long journey back to ass kicking by alternating between hitting the weights, aerobic exercise/practicing kata, and of course acupuncture. I was nine or ten when I saw this on HBO at my friend Sam’s house so I took the acupuncture part seriously, but that’s really the only part the montage got wrong. It demonstrated to my young and WAY too impressionable mind that being asleep (or immobile) for a few years will have serious real life consequences on your ability to break the wrists and elbows of villains. Only through a strict regiment of punching pieces of wood and lifting weights will you be fit enough to dislocate all of the evil joints that you encounter on your path to justice.

Your movies may be lame Seagal, but you inspired 10 year old Bello.

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2 thoughts on “Motivating the Unmotivated

  1. I like this. I’d recommend this blog to my fat patients.

  2. I’d be honored! Link them to the Rocky III beach scene for the sole purpose of gauging their reactions.
    “Dr…Dr. Brazil? Is this part of the treatment?”

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