Harness Your Inner Mola Ram

Sacrifice is a necessary part of life. Mola Ram, High Priest of the Thuggee in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, understood this principle. To be fair I must acknowledge that it’s unclear exactly how much Mola Ram sacrificed personally on a day to day basis, but I am confident that he would agree with me. Too many people these days look at the notion of sacrifice through a negative lens, but it doesn’t have to be that way, just look at our friend here. I mean he’s sacrificing right now and look how happy he is!

Mola Ram’s methods are extreme because he sacrifices people. While I’m not advocating human sacrifice just yet, I want to illuminate a few angles on how helpful sacrifice is on a daily basis. We sacrifice every day, which means we’ve all got a little Mola Ram in us!

In Public Restrooms 
If I’m at a urinal feeling the flow and you mosey on over next to me and start talking, look weird, smell, look around creepily or sometimes do nothing at all, chances are that I no longer want to be at that urinal any longer. I am willing to sheath up early and risk some drippage just to retreat and get the fuck out of there.

For Lunch
Four days out of the week I eat a shitty crapsalad at work. Here’s a picture of one:

This sucks. There’s a Burger King, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Wendy’s and a Five Guys all within about three miles of my work and yet almost every day for lunch, I eat this crap. This might look good to some of you, but it’s the opposite of what I would eat if nutrition didn’t matter. Pity me.

In Relationships
Unless your partner is a brainwashed, sexchanged clone of yourself that’s somehow in better shape than you are, it’s very likely that maintaining your relationship requires a degree of compromise, and compromise is a form of sacrifice. You learn to tolerate each other’s varying insanities and also if you’re dating a woman, you learn to tolerate her shows. I’ve watched Chopped so many times that I sometimes put it on when I’m alone. ‘Twas not always the case.

The Internet
Thanks to precious anonymity, people say dumb things over the internet.  Random comment trolling and obtusely presented political viewpoints now have safe havens in every nook and cranny of the internet, ranging from my facebook feed to the comments section of a new tech science article. Offenders usually deserve anything ranging from a logical explanation as to why they are wrong to a firm and steady kick to the crotch, but sadly many offenders go unattended. Both typing out a bullet pointed explanation and traveling to within crotch-kicking range of the offender require precious time, which truthfully could be better spent elsewhere. The sacrifice here is doing nothing.

One of my least favorite things to do is pull a punchline.  As a self proclaimed student, nay Agent of Comedy, I believe that humorous situations should be identified and exploited across the board without any favoritism. In its purest form, there shouldn’t be politics in comedy unless the butt of the joke is actually related to politics. And the thing about jokes is most of them have butts. Butts can be people, religions, ideologies or even items, but usually the best formula that makes something funny is when the Agent convinces the audience to see the old or plain butt in a new light, either by adding new facts or by viewing the butt from a new angle (I am LOVING this analogy by the way). But a good Agent can’t exploit all the butts; it’s just common sense. We don’t live in a sterile world, and so there are boundaries and politics which must be respected, to a degree. You have to sacrifice all that you think could be funny versus what the audience will publicly acknowledge is funny. Otherwise you morph from an Agent of Comedy into just a sociopath with a good sense of humor.


There are always rewards! All it takes is the ability to see past the unpleasantness of the sacrifice itself to see the positive outcome that it will yield. Sure I want to eat a burger or a taco every meal of every day, but I also don’t want to die yet either, so there’s the benefit. There’s definitely people I can think of who I’d really like to kick in the crotch with a steeltoe boot, but the time it would take to clomp or drive all the way to their location and the aftermath of my crotch-crushing football punt would produce more negative results than positive. My reward is not having charges pressed against me. The theoretical Public Restroom example which has never ever happened to me even once is tougher to look past because no one likes cutting the flow short and resheathing without a proper shake. Also, the negative aftermath of the sacrifice stays with you for at least a few minutes. This is largely theoretical, but one must weigh this small but very real sogginess against the possibility of public urinal weirdness from a stranger. The verdict, while unfortunate, is clear.

Sacrifice is a part of life, yours and mine. We all acknowledge it, but Mola Ram lives it. He’s willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, which is your entire life…and that’s pretty big of him if you ask me.

If you weren’t at my Halloween party this is just some of what you missed.


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