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Advanced Extraterrestrial Sexual Theory

Overwhelming odds point to the existence of aliens, but where do they come from? More specifically, where do baby aliens come from? I’m guessing not alien storks.

So we’re all in agreement that aliens exist, and if they exist they must have some method of reproducing, which means alien sex. Let’s talk more about alien sex. I have so many questions!

Variety is the spice of life. Where better to find endless variety than the ever expanding universe itself (without getting multidimensional of course). What turns aliens on? Granted they all must reproduce somehow, but do aliens really have sex? For the ones that do, would it be hot?

But students, this isn’t just ‘Beginner’s’ or ‘Intermediate Level’ Extraterrestrial Sexual Theory. Let’s get Advanced. First, the obvious.

Basic Known Types of Alien Reproduction
Parasitic: A perfect example is a Facehugger from Aliens. True the eggs that hatch the facehuggers come from a Queen, but this is about as close to sex as they get:

Facerape

Mitosis: The organisms in Evolution. In this movie the alien life crash lands on Earth and evolves with itself at a perpetually increasing rate using what seems like an advanced form of mitosis. They just keep evolving into more advanced organisms.

It's really a shame that more people haven't seen this, it's a diamond in the rough.

Asexual Manbirth: In Enemy Mine, Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett Jr., who is an alien, are stranded together on a harsh planet. About halfway into the movie Jeriba (Gossett) has a baby in what might be the grisliest birth scene in any 80’s sci-fi movie. Think of a reptile man giving birth. Grossed out? You’re there!

Here, you deserve to see this.

The [relatively] normal kind: Star Trek, Star Wars, Mass Effect, Species and pretty much everywhere else where the alien females have boobs.


Ok that’s all well and good, but so far all of this is pretty well established extraterrestrial sexual theory. Every one of those aliens has probably been banged by a human already! What sets this apart; what pushes this into advanced theory? Are you ready?

Advanced Theory
I was thinking that it would make sense that the more advanced an alien race is, the more prone they are to having giant orgies in order to reproduce. Go to town and really think about that, especially if you’re alone. I did.

Specifically I was thinking of a ratio between the number of sexes of the parents and the potential complexity of the offspring; like if there were many more sexes than just Male and Female. Say for instance 16 sexes (and thus 16 parents) instead of only two. Think of all the variety! And for a new offspring to be produced, it would need genetic material from everyone! PAAARRTTYYYYY!!!! I discussed this with a friend and initially, he seemed to misinterpret me.

“i dunno, it’s like 1 chick and 9 different types of dudes spraying her with jizz”

Haha, no! While hilarious, that would just be awful; that line of thought is constricted by the meager limitations of our biology. I’m talking about something glorious, something beautiful. Imagine if it was you plus fifteen other mates and they’re all very different and you’re all ready to go. If you like women, imagine the other 15 are women, or men, or whatever. Factually, NONE of them will be women or men (or even male or female); you’re all equally important pieces of a puzzle that, when solved, creates life! You’d be attracted to them in the same way you’re attracted to your mate currently, it’s just that there’d be so much more! And since all of you are different sexes, you don’t have to worry about your junk touching another dude’s junk or anything like that, because you all have different junk! Sixteen different types of junk! Everything would need to be so specific! Being a highly intelligent species, all the mates would obviously need to be in agreement on all the others, likely a VERY selective process. What would relationships be like? Who cares for the youngling? Interesting questions.

Now this would be epic (and epicly messy) because making babies would guarantee the aforementioned orgy, but also because that means this race would have the biological potential to be insanely advanced. Everything on Earth is either A) asexual or B) one of two sexes, and we’re all limited to just four base pairs of DNA. Imagine how much DNA a species with sixteen sexes could hold! Look at all the different types of human we’re able to crank out using the bare minimum of just two sexes. Imagine the variety in a species that has 16! What would the babies even look like?!

BEHOLD THE PRODUCT OF YOUR TINKERING

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