Sins of A. Bello
I’m a foolish man and as a result, I have just oodles of sin stored up inside of me. I try to let some out every morning before I go to work, but it’s not enough. There are evil deeds locked away in me that I haven’t released in years; I can feel the combined weight of my violations boring into me like black maggots on my soul.
I want a clean karmic slate!
How can I scrub my consciousness clean? I need to consider my options. Go on a master cleanse diet? Nah, too messy and not enough TP in all of Massachusetts. Gargle drano? Nope, that is way too deadly. Confess to a priest? No, afraid of churches. Apologize to everyone I’ve wronged? Not a chance, too embarrassing. Apologize anonymously?
Now we’re talking.
As you sit in judgement of me, just remember that these are all taken out of context, are in no particular order whatsoever and encompass two decades of my misdeeds. Ok now that that’s been said put on your judging monocle, get out your Bellohead dartboard and grab a nice tall glass of hatorade. This gonna get ugly.
UPDATE: If you have the song “An Honest Mistake” by The Bravery, put it on now.
- I’m sorry I spit rum and coke all over your face and hearing aid, ruining it, then tapped you on the shoulder and said “It happens”. I was very drunk.
- I’m sorry I grabbed your shoulders and shook you for no reason (technically it was to test a theory but that is not relevant).
- I’m sorry I performed a perfect O Soto Gari leg sweep on you for no reason.
- I’m sorry I sort of dropped you onto an empty bottle of beer in your kitchen, shattering it into dust.
- I’m sorry I peed on the side of your house, but I honestly found you and your family to be very rude.
- I’m sorry I vomited directly and intentionally into your $100 high heels.
- I’m sorry I swiped that magazine when I was 16, but Jesus Christ, it was 40+ and horrible to the point of being offensive.
- I’m sorry I hooked up in your room that one time, but it’s ok we didn’t go all the way.
- I’m sorry I barfed into a plastic bag and stuffed it under your couch.
- I’m sorry I barfed into your parent’s sink.
- I’m sorry I bit your arm, really, but you were in fact warned.
- I’m sorry if I played a role in convincing you to drunk-drive your car directly into a pile of snow and ice in a deserted parking lot, which may have contributed to the giant crack in the chassis.
- I’m sorry I punched you directly in the chest.
- I’m sorry I licked your eyeball that time.
- I’m really sorry I hit you in the head with that rock but in complete fairness you were throwing rocks too.
- I’m sorry I hit you in the face with the last snowball right after we called a ceasefire. Haha, it was a perfect shot.
- I’m sorry I drove drunk that time. Never again.
- I’m sorry I punched a hole through your bedroom door.
- I’m sorry I dug that little ditch in Phil’s backyard that you fell into.
- I’m sorry that in 4th grade we called you Kelly the Sea Cow: “Sea Cow meat, can’t be beat, cuz when you eat it gets stuck in your teeth!”
- I’m sorry I poured all that water out of my window and onto your car at night in the winter.
- I’m sorry I stepped on your front steps when the concrete was still wet and setting, ruining them.
During the course of this hilarious/tragic confession, I realized that I wasn’t truly sorry for everything on this list. I then felt it necessary to acknowledge this by removing these transgressions and creating a separate list, so as not to dishonor those events that I truly do regret. Here’s the B-list:
- I’m sorry I drew all those hilarious pictures in my CCD book.
- I’m sorry I plucked that moth out of the sky and fed it to my venus flytrap.
- I’m sorry I peed into your grill over the winter and then watched you grill in it over the summer months without ever telling you.
- I’m sorry I fed your dog beer while you were upstairs.
- I’m sorry I still haven’t accepted your friend request on facebook.
- I’m sorry I threw all those eggs at your apartment.
- I’m sorry I called your mom “Claire the big fat bear from over there”.
- I’m sorry I told everyone how you pissed your pants, but gross dude. Gross.
- I’m sorry I left that really nasty note under your door on my very last day of living below you, but I hope it improved life for the new tenant.
- I’m sorry I cheated on the test in 5th grade to name all 50 states.
- I’m sorry for taking a picture of my junk with your phone.
- I’m sorry I shot your boob with a paintball gun, but you were on the other team.
I’m all clean now right? That’s how this works? Oh Lordy, I’m absolved!!!
Good Karma, please feel free to slam into me with the unabated force of a rogue meteor. I’ll be waiting!