Prank Prioritization: A Guide
Who do you hate?
Haha, maybe I came off too strong there. Quick, who do you want to play a prank on?
If you’re anything like me, congratulations, and also I’m sure that either your significant other or one of your closest friends immediately came to mind. Maybe it’s for that one time that she made you wait every single night you’ve ever gone out together, or perhaps it’s to get him back for when he sharpee’d penises all over your upper body in Puffton in 2004. Don’t hold that inside like I do, it’ll ferment. Let all the demons out. Let’s prank those sons of bitches.
Before we get going we should establish a system for prioritizing prank offensiveness. You already have your victim picked out, now move over and let me drive. Let’s do this!
Prank: Scare the shit out of them
General: This is a good, if mild base to start from. Timeless, relatively harmless, moderately effective, minimal preparation required and [usually] zero clean up. This is a dated but solid prank.
Threat Level: Mild to moderate
Victim: Optimal victims include significant others, any female, and female significant others.
Set the trap: Don’t just jump out from behind the couch and scare her, that’s bush league. I said “minimal preparation” for a reason; you have to do more than just squat down on your haunches behind some furniture. If you scare your victim when their mind is merely neutral, whoopdy-do, you’re on par with me in middle school. What you want is for the victim to be actually concentrating on something when you deliver an adrenaline rush to all of their sphincters at once. In the best case scenario, their attention should be focused on the location where they think you are…and that’s right when you fucking pop out from behind them Jurassic Park style. Clever girl!
- Example: Nighttime. Hallway with two doors at the end of it, say bathroom and bedroom. Tell victim you’re going into one of them for something and that you’ll be right back. Turn the light on in the room that you said you’d be in, and close the door to that room. Enter the other room, leaving the light off and the door opened a crack. Wait. Wait. Wait longer. Within five minutes your victim will approach and knock on the door that has the light on. Unfurl like a coiled spring of hate and HISSSSS, loudly. Your hands and fingers should be outstretched, much like the talons of a screaming golden eagle, or a facehugger. Extra points awarded if you manage to attack from an odd angle, for example come up at her from below waist level. Ready your apology.
Effect: Victim will definitely scream, possibly yell, possibly faint and possibly cry. Do not attempt near stairs or if victim is holding glassware. Do not attempt on carpet. Specifically, do not attempt if victim is holding a glass of red wine standing over carpet at the top of the stairs.
Clean Up: After witnessing your victim’s pathetic ‘flight or fight’ response, give her a big hug. This will prevent her from striking you and also reassure her that you care. If you did not listen to my earlier advice and she fell down the stairs, make sure not to touch the body.
General: We’re upping the ante quite a bit with this one. You unscrew the showerhead in the victim’s shower, put a butterscotch (yes, technically named “Butter Rum”) lifesaver in there, and reattach everything. Then just leave; your work here is done. The warm water that will flow through the showerhead will dissolve the next time the victim showers. Whether or not they will end up clean or not is debatable, but you can rest assured that they WILL be deliciously sweet and disgustingly sticky.
Threat Level: Moderate
Victim: Roommates or visiting guests who you despise, significant others who you want to break up with.
Set the trap: Pretty self explanatory. Even better if performed in the victim’s shower and not your own.
Effect: This has never been done to me so I can’t provide an estimate as to how long it will take for the victim to notice that something is a little sweeter than normal in their shower. I’m guessing that if they’re using hot water the lifesaver will dissolve enough for them to be pretty sticky afterwards.
Clean Up: Haha! Ironically the only thing that needs to be cleaned up after this prank is the victim; the lifesaver itself will eventually melt into nothingness. It’s a perfect crime, like stabbing a man with an icicle. Unless you tell the victim, they’ll probably never even think to look in their showerhead (would you?) and just assume it was a problem with the water, like maybe their water pipes got crossed with Willy Wonka’s for a day. Stupid victim!
Prank: Pee Shield
<I looked for a picture by typing in “pee” to a google image search, which was a mistake>
General: Create a pee shield on the victim’s toilet using saran wrap.
Threat Level: Moderate
Victim: A male.
Set the trap: This should occur during a night of drinking at the victim’s house, and other people need to know lest they become inadvertently victimized. Also you need to be a little vested for this one, because the ‘before’ and definitely the ‘after’ are liable to be messy. In the victim’s bathroom, (again, not yours unless you want piss all over the place) raise the toilet seat and cover the opening to the toilet bowl with a piece of saran wrap. Make sure it’s as tight as possible with no wrinkles; you want it nice and taught and hard to see. Flush, in case the victim is nearby, and lower the toilet seat back down. All you have to do now is try and not forget that it’s there later in case you have to pee before the victim does.
Effect: Depending on the angle, height and force of the victim’s urine stream (which I’m hoping you don’t know) the piss will bounce off the saran wrap like a laser and go literally anywhere except in the toilet. This includes the immediate area around the toilet and of course, the victim’s own legs. The best part is that once the victim realizes what’s going on there’s very little he can do to change the outcome. Stopping the flow midstream is virtually impossible, especially after drinking. I guess the best thing he could do is try to angle the bounced stream to like, the area of his bathroom that he cares the least about.
Clean Up: This is critical. You should either be very best friends with the victim, very worst enemies with the victim, or physically gone by the time this prank occurs, otherwise it is likely that you may be involved in the clean up process, which will include but may not be limited to cleaning up the victim’s drunk piss, in which case it could be argued that the joke is actually on you.
Prank: Bro Flowers
General: Have flowers delivered to the victim at their job.
Threat Level: Moderate
Victim: Roommates/friends who are easily embarrassed. Best victim is heterosexual male.
Set the trap: Have flowers delivered to your friend at work. You’ll need to shell out some cash on this one but it’ll be worth it; it’s not like you have to get a dozen long stem roses either. Depending on your comfort level with the victim and/or your own deviousness, enter the Sender of the flowers as yourself, another victim (two victims for the price of one!), a random name, or the victim’s squeeze.
Effect: It’s always a big hubhub when a girl gets flowers delivered at work. However it would be largely irregular for most males to receive flowers at work. Imagine them walking down to the front desk to retrieve their flowers or even better, having the flowers delivered to their desk in front of their co-workers. Ohhhhh, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!
Clean Up: None!
Prank: Upper Decker
General: I like to think everyone here knows what an upper decker is. In case you don’t, here’s a helpful guide.
Threat Level: Severe/Poop level event
Victim: Your archenemy.
Set the trap: Go to Diva India Bistro in Davis Square on a Saturday or Sunday at 1pm. The buffet is open until 3pm, so take your time. Everything is delicious so don’t be afraid to try something new. Experiment by mixing different curry dishes together and don’t be stingy with the sauce. Sweatpants are optimal but not required. Go home and play xbox for at least two hours to let everything settle. If you have any milk, drink it all. After a minimum of three hours you should begin to feel a strain. Gain access to your archenemies bathroom (that part is up to you to figure out). Pray to whatever God your parents pray to, kiss your humanity goodbye and follow the helpful diagram above. Be sure to remove the lid to the water tank first. When finished, wash hands thoroughly and be prepared to be hunted like the animal that you are.
Effect: Pure rage. The water tank supplies the toilet with clean water whenever the toilet is flushed – this is how the toilet ‘refills’ after each use. You have now defiled both the water tank and your own soul. Where do you go when you die if God hates you and Lucifer is scared of you?
Clean Up: Panels of scientists assembled in the WWII era have concluded that there is no known method of clean up other than repeated flush attempts. Based on your carefully chosen and utterly divine lunch, scooping will not work. This will either take time or professional attention, and you are just the worst kind of person.
Bonus Prank: FB Creeper
General: Wait for someone on facebook to Friend another person who you don’t know. Like it or comment “Well it’s about time!” on it.
Threat Level: Creepy
Victim: Anyone on fb; preferably someone you haven’t communicated with in awhile.
Set the trap: You have to wait for this one to happen on its own. The trick here is that you need to be ready to act instantly. Pounce on it the second it happens.
Effect: Both the victim and the other random person will be scratching their heads, though it’s likely that neither of them will actually say anything. Could cause friction between the victim and the random person.
Clean Up: None, though you do run the risk of looking like a creepy weirdo.