Honesty in Advertising

Advertisements are a plague lurking within the otherwise totally and completely healthy, wholesome and innocent virtual environment that is the internet. Companies and organizations have agendas to push and services to market; web traffic volume is a relatively new form of currency. The amount of times that a group of strangers click on a certain webpage is now a commodity that can be marketed. There are even programs that you can pay for that will automatically click on certain links, in order to falsely drive up a website’s pageviews. Why?

The only why.

This is a sobering reality. Very popular bloggers with repeat visitors sometimes sport banner ads; by now you’ve noticed them on your Myspace, or on your Facebook if you’re not a child molester. Companies want you to click on their ads, as every click signifies a percent chance that you will spend money their product. Don’t fret, you’ll never have to worry about that here as I don’t even have a small fraction of the required daily pageviews for any company to consider me a valuable enough mule to carry their ad forth to the masses. It’s not that I won’t sell out, it’s more that I’ll never be given the opportunity to. Sad face! :**(

What’s the appropriate amount of pageviews? I have no idea but it’s more than I’m getting! I have it from a good source that corporations are squeezing algorithms out of grown up nerds in order to compute the most efficient ratio of a website’s views per day versus the cost of paying said website to run their shitty ad versus the likelihood that they’re targeting the appropriate demographic of viewers who visit said website. This is an actual business. If I traveled back in time in my time traveling house and tried to explain this all to someone in the 1800s I would definitely be burned for witchcraft. Similarly if I was alive in the 1800s and a time travelling house appeared out of nowhere and someone tried to tell me this, I would burn that witches ass myself.

So as a result of all this, the successful/popular websites that we use every day are plastered with shitty ads. Every so often they’re amusing, most of them suck, but they all have one thing in common, one singular purpose. They want you to click on them and hopefully buy their product. No more, no less. If you had a little section of a popular website, how would YOU get people to click on it? In most cases, creativity goes right out the window.  Why think of something clever or incorporate a nice design, why include helpful facts about your product at all? It’s cheaper and easier to set your sights for the lowest common denominator; that’s what yields the highest chance of success. Don’t tell me why your product is superior, show me a picture of a pretty girl’s face. I don’t care about price, show me something I’m afraid of or curious about. I want bright colors, not helpful information.

Well, that’s what they did!

I’ve compiled some of the more annoying ads that I’ve come across on the internet, just today. By simply looking at these ads, we already know what these companies think of us. Here’s what I think of them.

Hahahaha! No you idiots, I love alcohol! Fire whoever’s in charge of assigning ads to my facebook!

Read carefully.

This turtle is high as shit.

Holy shit, I don’t care. Based on all the “Weird tricks” that supposedly exist out there I should be able to halt aging, live forever and lose fat by eating a magical fruit.

Oh you know what designer of this ad, just point a knife at yourself and run into a moving truck.

You sons of bitches, I donate to you once, two years ago, and you’re still sending me paper mail even though I’ve asked repeatedly to be taken off the mailing list, but apparently my request takes up to four weeks to ‘process’. If I see a homeless person eating something that looks good I’m going to snatch it right out of their hands and send you a guys a picture of me enjoying it, then another picture of me throwing up shortly afterwards. You’ve made me reconsider donating anything to any charity ever again. Fuck yourself.

Oh, one weird tip you say? Is it “Try not to look like a jackass by wearing clothes that are too small for me and then grabbing my own muffintop in disgust”?  Why would anyone click on this.

For any asshole who actually clicks this ad in real life, I hope the advice is actually something super weird, like stirring cake batter with your dong and then having your best friends eat the cake.

Here’s some jeans on a skinny person. If you shop now you will also look skinny by virtue of these jeans cramming your fat into more attractive areas of your waist and legs. Shop now. You will obey.

Yes, she is in a car, but the only thing weird about this ad is the implication that this chick has ANYTHING to do with a Massachusetts car insurance loophole.

I’m so happy that I’ve always hated you, you fucking sellout.

Eh, I liked you better in the pink dress.

“We put just enough of a crotch shot in here for one out of every ten dumb dudes to click on this ad.”

An ad within an ad. Sadception.

Thanks for making all ads with people dancing do the same exact stupid dance. HATE YOU.

Oh shit I should get on that.


Check and mate. You win.


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2 thoughts on “Honesty in Advertising

  1. Two comments…or they are really just laughs:


    Turtle shack.

    Thanks for making me smile after another rough day!

  2. Thanks!!!

    I liked Sadception too; it was the first thing that came to mind 🙂

    Turtle shack then destroyed my mind.

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