Epic Movie Mockeries

Unless it was a tree climbing contest, a game of Ghost in the Graveyard or the occasional footrace, I didn’t win a whole lot of things in my childhood. Victor and Matt would consistently beat me at Magic, Phil “The Slicerria” Traversa had a lock on basketball and handball, and Dwayne’s name has been etched into the annals of high school history as the Tekken 3 Grandmaster after beating Matt and I an astonishing 36 times in a row straight. Yes that is 36 victories compared to zero wins, arguably the most aggressive act Dwayne has ever participated in. It’s not like it still haunts me though, that dizzying unbelievable feeling of helplessness as Matt and I passed the controller back and forth, frothing at the mouth while Dwayne’s favored character Paul pitilessly and efficiently handled us, winning at least one round without actually looking at the tv screen, because I don’t even remember this memory anymore.

This is literally almost all I remember of High School – that’s me flying through the air.

As a result of my many losses winning things is now very exciting to me, having tasted the bitter, impotent emptiness of defeat so many times in my life already, at the tender age of 30. And think of all the potential failures I still have ahead of me! My future mortgage can fall through, my car can get stolen, and who knows, my firstborn could even be a girl. There’s a lot that can still go wrong, but cheer up! What I’m trying to say is, we all should appreciate every single meager victory we earn to the fullest extent possible, because Dwayne could be right around the corner ready to pound all of the conscious thought right out of your brain with a Playstation controller.

As anyone who’s ever won anything already knows, the absolute best way to fully appreciate any victory over another person is to mercilessly mock and taunt your opponent after you’ve won. It’s perfect. It flawlessly translates all of the ideas that are floating around in your victorious brain all at once:

  • I am better than you
  • I have proved this fact by beating you
  • I want you to understand how much I enjoyed beating you
  • I fear no reprisal from you
  • Pretending this does not bother you fuels my fire
  • Openly displaying that this bothers you fuels my fire
  • I am better than you

Now, in the perfect world what I’d like to do is provide for you all a list of my own 10 best, most highly celebrated victories, complete with a detailed description of how I completely mocked and humiliated my inferior opponents each time. Then I would peel all the naked supermodels off of my face and crotch, wash my face and crotch and drift away to a Golden Monkey-induced nap atop newer, fresher supermodels. Unfortunately however this is the real world, where my list of victories is woefully small, and my face and crotch are woefully clean of supermodel residue. The next best thing I could think of to demonstrate my point was to provide a list of other people’s victories and mockeries, immortalized in film. Is that depressing?

Emperor Palpatine – Return of the Jedi

-Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design. Your friends, up there on the sanctuary moon, are walking into a trap, as is your Rebel fleet. It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator – it is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. Oh, I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive. 

Now as we know Emperor Palpatine is ultimately not victorious, but at this point he (and we, the first time we saw this) sure thinks he is. And goddamn Palpatine, reading that out loud is harsh. This is meant to mock as much as it is to crush and demoralize, or if anything it’s meant more to crush and demoralize and the mockery is almost an afterthought. You’ve displayed that you are and always have been in complete control, irrefutable evidence of your control and how far it extends, superior knowledge of the situation, a clear understanding of the scale of your own victory, and then you top it off with a little twist of impending doom for both your opponent and all of his friends. Well done; this is the kind of mockery I would expect from an emperor. This is everything a mockery should be.

Doc Holliday – Tombstone

-You’re no daisy, you’re no daisy at all. Poor soul…you were just too high strung. 

Tombstone will forever be one of the best westerns ever produced, but I’ll put that rant on the back burner for now. God if ANYONE hasn’t seen Tombstone at this point, here’s a super quick description. Ringo (the one who was just shot in the brain) and Doc Holliday are both master gunfighters, who’ve sort of had an ongoing underwritten feud with each other throughout almost the whole movie. To the credit of each, they are both supremely talented quickdraw artists. As it turns out, Doc Holliday is quicker. In this classic scene, Doc Holliday is quite literally much quicker on the draw than poor Ringo, who receives a bullet in the noggin for his evil, ruthless ways. Ever the gentleman, Doc Holliday finally displays what could be argued is his first bout of rudeness in the entire movie, in the form of mocking Ringo all the way to death. After receiving the bullet to the dome, Ringo stutters about, still conscious but clearly not in control of his actions, having just been shot in the brain. Doc wastes not a second in moving in within Ringo’s personal space and taunting him as he dies, famously saying “You’re no daisy, you’re no daisy at all…” as Ringo passes away at the base of a tree. Doc Holliday’s mockery is short, succinct and viciously sexy, as these are the last words that Ringo hears as he transitions towards oblivion. Or Hell, whichever.

Jeff – Grandma’s Boy

-What does “high score” mean? New high score, is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it? 

This scene is hilarious. It’s hard to describe it without dorking out, but basically Nick Swardson’s character Jeff rises to a video game challenge at Brainasium, the video game company that he works for as a Tester. Jeff is a senior tester, but seems to be taken aback by the challenge, which is a dance off against another younger tester in Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix 2. Apparently the game was delivered that morning and the younger guy got to it first and ironed out some good moves. Jeff, apparently unaware of the game’s presence, offers for the challenger to go first. Jeff watches his opponent’s shitty moves, and, utilizing his superior analytical mind, proceeds to utterly dominate the underling by setting the game to it’s highest setting and literally dancing his ass off to absolute victory. I assure you, there’s a lot lost in translation between reading this typed out description versus watching him prance around on the colored floor while the music is blaring, the lights are flashing and the “Perfect Score x10″s are piling up on the screen. It strikes a great chord with me because the challenger clearly thought he was finally going to win this time and brought some of his own underlings with him to watch the ‘victory’. They best part is the look on his face as the gears turn in his mind and realizes he is in fact being tooled upon. As the match ends and the arcade cheers his praises in the background, Jeff steps off and is all fake ignorant about what the “New High Score!!” chants mean. Humiliated, his opponent slinks away. I like this a lot, particularly because Jeff’s mockery isn’t just aimed at his challenger. By keeping in character as though the opponent actually had a chance at victory, Jeff is mocking the very idea that he was challenged in the first place. Hats off.

Hippie Student (Pot Dealer) – Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle

-Have you seen a Korean guy around here?
-Yeah, only every time I open my eyes though…Tard.

This is an easily overlooked scene from the original modern classic. Casted as “hippie student”, we all remember this guy as the pot dealer with the enormous bag of pot. After being dragged to the Princeton campus by Kumar, Harold is roped into attending a ‘party’ with Cindy Kim and her Korean Club while Kumar goes and scours the campus for some weed. Kumar scores some from the pot dealer then returns to liberate Harold, to the dismay of Cindy Kim who clearly has a crush on Harold. She’s running around the prominently Korean campus and bumps into the dealer, asking him if he’s seen a “Korean guy” recently. Out of nowhere, he lashes out at her by appropriately pointing out that there are Korean guys all around them. And just as she lowers her head in shameful realization of what a dumb question she just asked, he throws out the extra, totally unnecessary and delicious jab at her, calling her a tard. She’d already acknowledged her mistake and he had absolutely nothing to gain from tossing this added insult at a complete stranger, but those four little letters are what gets him added to this list today. Though he doesn’t know it, the audience has kind of wanted Cindy Kim to get hers up to this point anyway. An excellent mockery.

Mitch – Waiting

-[displays ‘The Goat’ to a roomful of former co-workers]

Friends, readers and stalkers, if there is one theme I truly believe in, it is that “Actions speak louder than words”. Waiting is underrated comedic gold, much like the movie Evolution. There are several ongoing stories that all tie together and culminate throughout this culinary journey, one of which is Mitch’s [seen above] first day of employment at the restaurant. He is optimistic and enthusiastic, and constantly overridden and under appreciated for the entire movie. Literally every time he tries to talk, someone talks over him. Finally, after probably 12 straight hours of this, Mitch has had enough and explodes at the after-work party. We see him here displaying what is referred to as “The Goat”. Younger readers, turn back now. The Goat, as detailed explicitly by the restaurant’s line cook Raddimus, is when a dude takes his dick and balls and shoves it all through the back of his legs so that it all sticks out from behind, and then bends over and shows everything to the victim(s). Because of the lengthy preparation time and high risk that is inherently involved, this is referred to as the ultimate insult in the movie. Following an epic rant detailing all of his legitimate frustrations and pointing out all of the flaws and shitty behavior of everyone who’s walked on him throughout the entire movie, Mitch summarily quits his job and simultaneously victimizes everyone in the room with the dreaded Goat. Look at his glorious, determined face. Feel the power and the satisfaction. Without getting into too much detail I can say very truthfully that I have firsthand knowledge of the thrills, the excitement and the feelings of mastery over one’s dominion that come hand in hand with getting other people to unknowingly look at your junk in a non-sexual manner. I understand both Mitch’s plight and the feelings of Godhood that are no doubt coursing through his veins in this scene. His rant depleted, he then proceeds to own everyone in this room in under two seconds without saying a single word. His expression says what mere words can never appropriately convey: “All of you, look at the disdain I hold for you, symbolized in the form of my dick, balls and ass in your face, all at once.”

How do you recover from that? You can’t, you just can’t. Pull your pants up and wash your hand Mitch, because I want to shake it.

Now how much would I have to pay for you to drive to Long Island and show Dwayne The Goat?


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