I Was Wrong
That, as you should ALL know by now, is our ancient Lovecraftian comrade, Cthulhu.
And that is my new plant, Cthulhu II.
Note the similarities. Both are scary and menacing. Both are reaching up at you from the depths with tangled green tentacles of horror. Both look like they’re about to eat you. Both have a snippet of my crotch fringing the lower edge of the photo that I took yesterday morning right before leaving for work – no wait that’s just Cthulhu II.
I saw Cthulhu II at Mahoney’s a few days ago, and I knew he was for me. He’s furious!
I hope having him in the house doesn’t break whichever commandment it is about idols or false gods. To be honest the only reason I haven’t prayed to him yet is I’m afraid he’ll answer and demand a sacrifice. Dark Gods can be dicks.
After I brought him home and fed him some goat’s blood, he went into a slumber. At that point I deemed it safe to have some company over, primarily for the purpose of showing him off. Enter Jade.
Jade is trouble. I bring her to the kitchen to show off my sleeping titan, and practically the first goddamned thing she says is: “That looks more like a Medusa.” Immediately, I knew Jade was right.
Well, fuck. What do I do? I’ve already named him, it’s not like I can just change his name on the drop of a hat. So what do I do?
Of course, I fought back. You don’t just let people come into your home, where you live, and let them dictate which evil tentacled mythological figure your new plant looks the most like. I can’t just lay down on this; what’s next? What kind of precedent would that establish? Fucking, the next thing I know, strangers will just be walking into my place and telling me that forks are knives and lettuce is bacon. LETTUCE IS NOT BACON, JADE.
Plus, wait a minute! This is all opinion anyway – I’ve got her now! I can argue this until I’m 65 and never ever technically be proven wrong! The lawyer demon on my shoulder springs to life immediately and screams in my ear.
OBJECTION!!! In A. Bello versus P. Traversa, 1998, it was established that all opinions are equally subjective and therefore equal in terms of authority. An opinion cannot prove or disprove another opinion, Your Honor! By definition, Jade is unable to prove you wrong! MOVE TO STRIKE!!!
Good call, lawyer demon. I subtly curled my fingers into a fist and took a small step closer to Jade, putting me within striking distance.
Me: No, I think it’s like, the way that the tentacles are spiky and green and stuff, it makes it look more like Cthulhu.
Jade: Dude, that pot looks like a head, and that looks like hair made out of snakes.
Fuckfuckfuckfuck, she’s completely correct. My love of Lovecraft has blinded me, and my pride prevents me from admitting it. What can I do? I’m trapped. But I don’t have to admit defeat. I’m resting firmly on A. Bello vs P. Traversa 1998, and I can dance with this topic all night if I have to. My stance is untouchable and though it will be drawn out, my victory is inevitable.
A door opens in my mind. What is defending Cthulhu worth, even if my shield is impenetrable? Is this an attack on my character, or am I just defending my pride with a tangle of technicalities? Has that ever gotten me into trouble before? Shut up lawyer demon, the answer to that last question is not a matter of opinion.
My fist relaxes and forms what passes for a human hand again. Jade is looking off to the side so she doesn’t notice my small step back, out of striking distance. I change the subject and then bury it with a shot of bourbon. But I know I’ll be back to it later, when I write this post.
I’m stepping up to the plate; it’s time to deal with the real. Cthulhu II is a good choice, but Medusa is better. She was right, and I was wrong. To anyone who’s ever argued with me before, to anyone I have yet to debate with in the future: don’t be fooled. I am not suddenly an easy target. I have evolved, leveled up, and gained the ability to admit when I am wrong. This does not make me weak, it makes me stronger.
Forks are still forks and bacon’s still bacon. Cthulhu II, slumber on and never awaken.
And newcomers to my apartment, beware. Do not meet the gaze of Medusa, lest she turn you to stone.