What’s Trending

As usual, I did all the grunt work for you. Here’s what’s trending in the news this morning 6/20/12 at around 9am. I’ve taken the liberty of linking each picture to the originating article. Depress me by actually clicking on any of them to see the real ‘story’.

Make no mistake viewers, the octopus is truly molesting that dolphin. It’s not just attached to its underside randomly, or in an effort to avoid being eaten (think of the Millenium Falcon latching onto a Star Destroyer). No folks, that octopus is without doubt fondling or perhaps eating the dolphin’s junk. We know this and have made a headline out of it because we’ve both interviewed the octopus and because that’s where a dolphin’s junk is…right? It’s not like we’re just using keywords to snag pageviews or anything.

There will always be dumb people. There’s no guarantee that there will always be people willing to call dumb people dumb. I read this and I ask myself a few questions. How sad and alone would I need to feel in order to justify standing in NYC naked and painted? How detached from reality would I need to be to think that suing the NYPD for being arrested for this can ever yield a positive outcome? And finally, how much body paint do I have left?

I love cats, but deep down I’m a dog person. The only problem with dogs is that most of them are dumb as a bag of rocks. Dogs commonly eat shit, and not just any shit, their own shit. Can an animal that eats its own shit understand or appreciate the relative delicacy of an ice cream product tailored specifically for their digestive tracts? Should a human understand that it can’t? Should other humans spend currency on a product like this? Should this be considered news? Should the people who wrote and published this article be thrown in the stocks for two days? If functional stocks aren’t available, should an artisan craftsman be sought out and hired specifically for the purpose of building them for these jackholes? Would that be money and time better spent? All good questions.

Nope. Just no.

China you need to get your shit together. Of all the times to actually not be caught blatantly red handed photoshopping a military picture or stealing a scene from Top Gun and passing it off as actual aircraft test footage, possibly the first time you report on something honestly in the past 50 years, you go and fuck it up on a story featuring a fat double-sided dildo. A few days ago I was considering writing a post entirely dedicated to how shitty your world image is right now, and rightfully so in most cases. Now I’m torn. Also, is that dildo racist?

Clever title here. The “horror smash” is two cars colliding (it’s bad but not that bad) and one guy gets ejected from the vehicle out of what appears to be an open car door, skids along the street on his back for maybe 10 feet and then bounces against the curb. I’m sure it was scary, and man I bet it hurt. That guy’s back is definitely like, bruised. Scraped even. No doubt he is a lucky man; it could have been much worse. But you’ve deceived me, MSN. I didn’t get what I wanted from this underwhelming clip. I wanted to feel like the victim after watching it; I wanted to feel like my psyche just barely escaped getting demolished, just like the man when he walks away from this clip. Like those videos where a car is going like 90mph and it misses a woman on the sidewalk by like three inches. You see the car coming, you see the moderately attractive Eastern European woman walking obliviously on the sidewalk, your brain calculates the trajectory and warns of an imminent collision course. Your brain screams “OH GOD don’t watch!” but your mouse hand does nothing. You watch. The car misses her by like three inches and she lives to walk another day. The dust settles in your mind, but you know how you felt. Your emotions were right on the edge of a rollercoaster about to plummet down, down down if she actually got hit by that maniac. At the last second, crisis averted. But you got what you wanted, that sickly sweet feeling of helplessness. I didn’t get that here. It’s like bam, little crash, guy goes skidding out, I’m sure his back hurts, and he’s a little slow to get up and then walks away. Extra hate points awarded to the editor of this video for the retarded music in the background and for highlighting the guy and then further identifying him with an obnoxious yellow arrow. How could have lost track of him? WHO NEEDS THAT YELLOW ARROW TO HELP FIGURE OUT WHICH MAN IT WAS THAT FELL OUT OF THE MOVING CAR???

This Swedish app takes recordings of the noises that your friends make during sex and jumbles them with the noises that you make during sex to create a tangled quilt of impotent sexual frustration. The thing is, both of you need to provide said sex splashes to the other person. If I’m going to want to listen to the noises you make during sex, I should probably just have sex with you. What could possibly be more awkward than this? It’s like taking sexting (which can actually be fun) putting a blindfold on it, walking it into a slaughterhouse and asking it to describe what it’s hearing.

“Hey, I kind of want to hear what you sound like when you do it, but let’s not actually do it. Instead, let’s send each other soundbites of the noises we each make when we masturbate [because if we were actually having sex with anyone currently we would just do that] and then we can masturbate to that instead of what we normally masturbate to. Mine will sound a lot like many slices of ham slapping up against each other. Wait, where are you going? Are we still friends?”

On another note, I know that within about three minutes of me publishing this post, my email is going to be flooded with requests for the hamslapping soundbites I make while doing the deed. I’m flattered! It’ll probably bring down a server somewhere, but if you really want to hear the noises I make when I serve ‘er, just call my phone. I changed it to my voicemail just this morning.

Go hog wild, I did!


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2 thoughts on “What’s Trending

  1. Deirdre on said:

    I feel so informed now! And when I think of all the time I would have wasted reading the times…

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