JURASSIC PARK NOW: An open letter to Clive Palmer
Obscenely rich man to possibly pursue genetic cloning of dinosaur embryo for his private resort; consultation with geneticists behind Dolly the lamb supposedly underway.
Clive Palmer, do it. Please do it. The entire world is behind you. We don’t just want this, we need this.
Clive, broseph, do it. We all need it. I don’t care what kind of Frankensaur you and your team of mad scientists makes. I don’t care if you replace missing segments of its DNA with frog DNA, lizard DNA or human DNA. If I was you, I’d use my own DNA to create the first and only Bellosaurus Rex.
I don’t care what you feed it or if whatever you feed it is still alive. I don’t care the size of its enclosure. I don’t care if you breed dinosaurs exclusively for the purpose of hunting them, or creating a ranch designed for millionaire big game hunters (just make them sign a waiver before they try hunting the pack of deadly raptors to avoid liability issues).
I don’t care if the dinosaurs find a way to reproduce uncontrollably and escape your island. I don’t care if the military needs to be called in to pacify the dino uprising and some get loose into the general population.
Just do it, you have the money. Do it.
Can anyone else imagine the possibilities? Why is everyone sitting near me in my office just sitting there calmly typing and not freaking the fuck out like I am? DON’T YOU PEOPLE READ THE NEWS? Don’t you know what could be happening right now?!?!
I collected “Dinosaurs Attack” Topps trading cards as a little kid; does anyfuckingone else remember these?!!? (Same company that made Garbage Pail Kids haha)
We as a species are THIS fucking close [holding up my fingers really close together] to making this happen in real life! All the hours I spent fantasizing about real live dinosaurs, playing with dinosaur toys, drawing dinosaurs, watching dinosaur movies! WE ARE SO CLOSE.
Clive, I am begging you. Every kid fantasizes about dinosaurs at one point in their development. Remember the pure inner joy of John Hammond as he explains his motivations for creating Jurassic Park? That dizzying, engulfing feeling of pure, utter joy can be yours. The fact that there were flaws in Hammond’s plans is irrelevant; don’t let it discourage you! You can be the man who gives us back dinosaurs!
There are dicks out there who will say you could be channeling your money towards a more productive outcome, like say charitable donations or cancer research. Thoughtless, unimaginative animal rights representatives will no doubt get all up in your shit about exactly what you can do with your dinosaur. Can’t you see? It’s YOUR dinosaur! You guys made it, not Nature. Just claim that it’s yours and that YOU have the rights and force them to prove you wrong legally. Tie those fuckers up in litigation for years; you can even use the proceeds from Jurassic Clive’s Park to feed your mega-lawyers haha. It’s beautiful! Just remember to keep your mega-lawyers away from the Tyrannosaur Paddock…
You can give us dinosaurs back. Later, 20 years later, we can all bitch and moan and collectively figure out how to properly raise and feed and tame and house and care for them. After enough people sue, Congress can pass the appropriate Frankensaur restrictions and allowances. Just lawyer up, you’ll be fine.
This can be your legacy. You look old in your picture; you need to step on it. You can be remembered as the human champion who gave the world back dinosaurs. Even if they start cloning tomorrow we might not have a ride-able T-Rex for like another 10 years. Don’t you want to ride a fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex, even if it’s muzzled for safety?
Sure the dinosaurs didn’t ask to be born but then again, did any of us? The world is waiting Clive. We’ve been patient for like, 4,000 years (is that when we started being able to think?).
Don’t focus on the negatives. Tune out the haters. Ignore the opinions of those poorer than you (except me). Think of the positives. Think of what you can give. Think of the future.
Please Clive. I’m begging. I’m not on my knees but that’s only because then my supervisor will see me and wonder what I’m doing, but I’m still begging. I’m begging with my heart.