Business Meatings

Are we all here? Ok good. Well, good morning everyone. We’ll begin today’s meeting by reviewing the action points from the previous meeting last quarter. Would anyone like to go first? No? That’s fine, I will.

I’ll start by saying that absolutely everything that was discussed at our last meeting is still exactly the same. No changes whatsoever. As we all know we discussed many theoretical workarounds to at least one issue last time, but they were and still are just theories because all of the same roadblocks remain in place. Of course, you all know about the roadblocks already because you were all at the last meeting with me, in fact Johnson, I remember you wore the same exact tie. Should we take this time to review any of these roadblocks in further detail? No? Ok, is anyone here aware of any updates to any of these roadblocks, in case any of you are on some kind of magical email chain that doesn’t exist? Haha I’m just kidding, wouldn’t that be funny though? So to recap, we are all aware of the roadblocks that we identified the last time around, all of our potential solutions are just unrealistic theories and as we all know there are no new updates. Everyone on the same page? Great, moving on.

I see several of you printed out agendas for today’s meeting, which makes me chuckle. Ha ha. Anyway, those agendas are no good because I’ve taken the liberty of altering today’s agenda about 15 minutes ago. So unless you printed out the agenda right before you stepped in here, it’s basically worthless, but feel free to doodle on it or use it to take notes. That reminds me, is anyone recording the minutes and bulletpoints for the next meeting? Johnson why don’t you handle it this time. So to recap so far, there are no updates to any of the problems we talked about last meeting, everyone is completely aware of these problems, and we’ve also confirmed that everyone knows that everyone else knows it too, and always will. Unless of course someone creates a new magical email chain, in which case please cc everyone here when you do so that nothing changes ever.

Alright where were we? Oh yes, the worthless agenda. Yeah so that’s no good. Instead, what I’d like for us to do is for each of us to go around the room and talk about any new or ongoing problems that are frustrating us currently in our own respective areas. Since, as we all know, it’s virtually impossible for any of us here to actually contribute in a meaningful way to anyone else’s issues, when someone is speaking the onus is on each of us to simply try and remain awake. If you’d like to take on a more active role, feel free to jump in at any point with an inflammatory statement, rumors, gossip or some good old misinformation. It especially helps if you claim to have heard a rumor from a source which cannot be verified. That way, it should take the original speaker and the rest of us a good 10 minutes or so to unravel everything and get back on track.

Alright, Johnson get ready to record all this bullshit! Let’s start with the folks in [a branch in your company]. Go!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>At least two hours pass<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Excellent! Johnson I can see that your hands are shaking dangerously and that you’re bleeding out of your eyes, so you must have recorded all that perfectly. I think that almost wraps up our quarterly. So just as a recap, we’ve confirmed that we’re all aware of the issues and that nothing at all has changed. Also I want to say that we definitely came close to making a few breakthroughs back there when we were nose deep in each other’s dirty laundry and as a plus we’re all just a little bit more frustrated with each other than we were when we woke up this morning, correct? Say, is anyone else in this room so filled with helpless, impotent rage right now that they feel like they could shit out a pile of red hot burning coals until it melts a hole through the building? Is anyone else’s mouth drowning in the bloody, coppery iron hard reality that all of our respective jobs just got that much more difficult because we all just wasted the last three hours doing absolutely nothing productive and contributing nothing to anything? Does anyone else want to run over a group of baby ducklings with a lawnmower just on the off chance that it might make their soul feel something again, even if it’s only eternal pain and regret? Nope, no one? Oh well, I feel like I must be drastically missing the point of these meetings then, because if even one other person raises their hand and agrees with me that we’ve made about as much difference as a pack of lemmings pissing into the ocean right before they all drown, I will high five you, kiss you on the mouth and then we can escape this void of emptiness by committing ritual suicide together out in the parking lot right after lunch.

No one? Oh well, it must just be me!

Instead of relaying literally everything we just spent the past three hours babbling about via an email that has just a single paragraph in it, I’ll schedule another meeting in three months so we can rehash all of this all over again. Sound like a plan?

Alright, I’ll see you all next quarter!


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6 thoughts on “Business Meatings

  1. Deirdre on said:

    This post proves that you have management potential Bello. You know the score.

  2. Jared B. on said:

    Genious. This put into words what every corporate drone feels. Thanks for this. You made my day.

    • Thanks Jared! As happy as I am that I brightened your day, I almost wish you didn’t find it quite so accurate. Thinking about all the people out there who feel like they could shit out a red hot pile of burning coals makes me sad.

      • Jared B. on said:

        Sad indeed, but thanks to your blog, I was able to avoid mowing over any ducklings to assuage the emptiness in my soul post monthly contract meeting…the burning coals remain unfortunately. You surely have a brilliant mind (driving your skeleton). I thank you again good sir. Here’s to waving at other plankton as opposed to my usual giving of the finger (takes first sip of post-meaningless-job Makers Mark while clicking away at iPad).

  3. Haha, thanks again good sir.

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