Storage Losers Being Outlosered: A National Tragedy

Ok, back to basics. Here’s the ridiculous article that caught my attention this morning:


The Summary
TL;DR > Shitty reality shows have recently inflated in number and gotten shittier, due to an all around decrease in class by the American viewing public. A shining example is Storage Wars, which is a show centered around people buying other people’s old stuff. I believe it’s actually when a person has a storage unit that they’ve stopped paying the payments on, because they can no longer afford to or they forget or they’re dead or they no longer give a shit, which I guess could also mean they’re dead. The company that owns the now defunct storage unit auctions it off. The ‘fun’ is that you never know what could be in one of these storage units; most of them haven’t seen daylight in years or even decades. Priceless antiques, old furniture, clothes or stacks of old newspapers, who knows!

You never know what you might find!

So human vultures somehow get wind of this, and literally form crowds to bid on other people’s memories. It’s basically like grave robbing, except the thieves pay the owner of the cemetery a small fee before they’re allowed to root through the coffin and take what they want. But that’s not even the worst part. They made a show out of this and people watch it, which by extension endorses it, but that’s not the worst part either. This has existed well before the show did; there are people who’ve fashioned entire careers around buying the now-publicly owned belongings of the dead (or poor). But that’s not the worst part.

Let that sink in. Pretend I’m a “regular” or a “Storage Warrior” as the article puts it. How romantic haha. Anyway, say I’m 45 years old and for the past 20 years, my ‘job’ has been to root out storage units whose owners have either fallen on hard times (too poor to continue to pay) or have fallen on very hard times (are dead). This is my job. My career entails such skill sets as gauging the location, demographics and other factors about the units’ previous owner, and weighing that against what I’d be willing to pay of my own money to go sifting through that person’s belongings, in the hopes that I find something valuable I can hawk for more money. If that was me, every day when I woke up and looked in the mirror I would spit at my own face out of reflex, because I would be a despicable parasite. Like say, a hookworm.

Uhhh hey, so I heard that you’re either dead, or you can’t afford to pay to store your belongings anymore. What I’m gonna do is guess their worth by looking at how old you are and where you live, then yell a minimal dollar amount out to an auctioneer who’s going to sell me all your memories. I hate myself, but I’m too useless to actually do anything about it. k thx bi.


These bipedal hookwormy parasite people have the gall to complain that the popularity of the Storage Wars show is creating too much interest in their…hobby? Profession? Remorseless scavenging? Storage unit auctions are apparently drawing large crowds of newbies, and the old veterans can’t afford to outbid them as thoroughly as they could in the past anymore.

They are literally complaining that they’re having trouble buying the belongings of people who are either dead, or who could no longer afford to pay for storage of their own belongings.

They were comfortable when they were the only big hyena feasting on the carcass of someone else’s life, but now that there’s a flock of vultures circling overhead for the first time ever, they’re bitching. Because for the first time in their ‘career’ they actually have competition, and they don’t like it. 

Well guess what, deal with it. People just as shitty as you caught the scent of a way to make easy money with minimal effort, and it’s your fault. And it’s the tv network’s fault for making a show about people like you. And it’s the viewers’ fault for indulging this tripe and making the show gain any popularity at all in the first place. Guess what viewers, when you watch a show on tv, the network tallies it. If a show gets enough views, they will make more episodes of it, regardless of how morally bankrupt it is, and it saddens me that Storage Wars is one of the better ones.

I guess that is the worst part.

If your career is trying to outbid other people to buy other people’s old things and your career is now in jeopardy…well, I can’t offer a solution for that problem because there will always be shitty people looking for easy money. But at least now you know what to do when you look in the mirror every morning!


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2 thoughts on “Storage Losers Being Outlosered: A National Tragedy

  1. Hahahahah, I love the irony of storage wars. Great entry!

  2. Insert “the rise and fall of” after ‘of’ in the sentence above.

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