I’m Tired

Running on empty.

I need power, I need energy. It’s like my body is encased inside the body of a 10ft tall ice golem with a bad case of gout. It’s like my brain is controlling a rusted, broken down combat chassis remotely, and my brain is pissed about how sluggish and unresponsive it is.

Doesn’t this fucking thing move any faster?!

If I tripped and fell right on my own face, I would just stay down. If my skull makes physical contact with anything it will immediately transpose all of my body weight against it and I will lose consciousness. Every time my eyelids close just for a millisecond when I blink, during that time I feel warm, fuzzy, loved and morally right. Then each time I reopen, the light of reality brutally invades and rapes my brain. I have been at my desk for 13 minutes.

How will I make it through this day?

I need white-hot black Columbian coffee injected directly into my eyeballs.

Overdose me, I don’t give a shit.

I require a jumbo 5 Hour Energy enema STAT.

You’ll have to use your imagination; I’m not google image searching “enema”

In order to attain standard levels of operational efficiency I need to submerge my manhood into a boiling cauldron of sriracha, then pour honey on my back and bash an African killer bee nest with a wiffleball bat while locked inside a closet with it.

Throw a cube of ice down the back of my shirt, watch me not care and then tell me it’s dry ice.

Put me in the Boo Box from the movie Hook.

Boo! BOO!

Wear gloves coated with broken glass and dipped in hydrogen peroxide, then slap me in the face.

Harvest every last drop of adrenaline from nine charging Silverback Gorillas, heat it up, mix it with bull semen and make me gargle it for 45 minutes or until I drown.

Fly me down to the Bahamas, make me sit outside for three days straight and then rattail my sunburn with a wet piece of kevlar.

Power levels are bottoming out. Quick, put on spiked steeltoe boots and kick me right in the dick.

Do all of this to me at once and then make fun of my baldness while cutting me in line and blowing secondhand smoke into my face, while your hipster friend hides behind his shitty glasses and presents the argument to me that Fox news is unbiased.

[fingers clench and unclench, but then go limp again]

Nope, still not enough. Going to sleep now. Leave my body where it falls.


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