Alexis “Doin’ it” Wright

She banged everyone. 

I’ll assume you haven’t been keeping up to date with the latest nasty happenings in Kennebunk Maine, where a zumba instructor there has been charged with ‘zumbaing’ a whopping 150 male clients.

One hundred and fifty. All together, that’s 300 nuts. Think about dying someday, which is depressing, I know. You’ll go back and revisit old memories, old friends, first experiences and the special moments that have contributed to your life. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll think of your current partner, and maybe even former lovers.

Allegedly, at some point in the future Alexis Wright will be able to fondly recall the sound that over 300 balls make when they slap against her. I tried thinking about an applicable picture I could use right here to symbolize that, but I just threw up in my own lap. Lexi, dear, that is too many balls.

Someday, laying in her bed hopefully surrounded by friends, family and loved ones (hopefully not figuratively haha), she’ll smile one last time. “I really screwed Kennebunk”, she’ll mouth to herself. You’re right, Wright. You really did. You screwed all of it.

Practically speaking I understand that hookers exist; prostitution is, after all, the oldest profession in the world. For all I know, having an [alleged] client list of 150 is normal, or maybe even low by comparison. Maybe that’s just a month’s worth, what do I know? I have nothing for comparison. But ugh, a hundred and fifty dicks? Yeah, no thank you. I ran a google search on Alexis Wright herself to see what all the fuss is about. She’s pretty, which is great, but now my mousehand has open sores on it and my monitor burns when it takes a piss.

Aside from my personal fascination/revulsion, several other aspects of this brief article were surprising to me. The cops are releasing the names of all the clients (the ‘johns’), which I think is fine. If prostitution is technically a crime, then people who bang hookers are criminals, just like thieves are criminals. The argument to keep the names private out of fear of embarrassment is just as baseless to me as an argument to keep the names of any other criminal secret. The hilarious part to me is: “Accused clients previously identified by police include a former mayor, a former minister, a firefighter and a high school ice hockey coach.”

I feel like I’m watching Batman Begins and Ra’s Al Ghul is telling Bruce Wayne how corrupt Gotham is.

“You are defending a city so corrupt that we have infiltrated every level of its infrastructure.”

Jesus Batman. She has [allegedly] infiltrated every level of its infrastructure. And her infrastructure has [allegedly] been infiltrated by every level of Kennebunk’s. Just let Kennebunk burn at this point.

Another gem from the article: “Police have been identifying them every other Friday but delayed last week’s release because of the Thanksgiving holiday.”

Ah, that’s so decent of you Kennebunk police department, to respect the holiday season like that! There are literally around 92 remaining culprits to publicly shame, but you at least have the decency to hold off on revealing their names over the Thanksgiving break – I mean come on, that would just be rude!

Chanukah starts December 9 this year, will you be making exceptions for that as well, or is it only Christian holidays?? How ridiculous.

This whole situation is absurd! For one prostitute to come into a town and [allegedly] bang like, all of its dudes demonstrates some deep seated issues with…yes, with the town. Is every single male in Kennebunk so deprived and depraved that one hot zumba instructor can come screw all of them? All 150 of the [alleged] clients can’t have been single; is there something in the water up there that makes men disinterested in their wives and girlfriends?

How much does a legit zumba lesson cost anyway? Didn’t anyone notice anything when ministers, firefighters and other men who might look maybe a little out of place in a zumba class started signing up for her zumba class in droves? I mean I don’t want to typecast, but it’s hard not to. Ever gone to a yoga class? It’s pretty easy to tell the people who don’t belong.

With an [alleged] client list that large, it’s so stupidly clear that SO many people must have known something was up, and I’m not just talking about the [alleged] clients.

Wake up Kennebunk!


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3 thoughts on “Alexis “Doin’ it” Wright

  1. Hahahah, great post! I missed this blog!

  2. JaredB on said:

    Another good one Bello.

  3. Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?


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