Eat Bath Salts, Fight Demons


I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.

We’ve finally done it. The US Navy has finally found a way to positively identify the demons who walk among us. All we have to do is snort some bath salts.

Thanks to this utterly ridiculous PSA, normal citizens like you or extraordinary citizens like myself now know the crucial tool we need to go forth and combat the evils who walk freely among us, disguised as men or fairly hot girlfriends. One sniff, and you can embark on an hours-long quest where you’ll identify, fight and hopefully slay these demons that dare to step foot into our plane of existence. Still out of the loop? Well load up your crossbow, smelt some silver bullets and get your pimp slapping hand ready while you watch this PSA brought to us by the only nationally recognized demon hunting force in existence, the US Navy. Don’t worry, you’ll have time to do all those things as the video is six fucking minutes long. Haha just kidding, all the good parts are over by two minutes, but still.

demon hunters

Click, if you dare to venture into the perilous world of demon hunting…

Just one sniff, Boatswain. That’s all it takes to transform from a skinny sailor into fucking Van Helsing. One sniff, and you and your a little-too-intense eyes will be out the door on a mission; to find and destroy the demons that infest the world of man.

As you emerge from your apartment the world may seem blurry, but that’s only because you’re seeing how it really is for the first time. It is in no away abnormal to vomit up all the coffee you drank this morning over the side of a railing while making the most ludicrously fake puking noise I’ve ever heard, like our hero does at (around 40 seconds in). It’s just your bodies way of preparing for the upcoming trials it will soon face. Maybe next time, try not to sound like such a pussy though.

Your hunt will take you many places, but ultimately you will be drawn to a location where demons disguised as humans congregate in secret. Of course, I refer to your local bowling alley. Upon entering do not be distracted by offerings of free french fries; they were put there only to slow you down. OK, maybe just eat one real quick (0:46), then keep walking until you find your prey. You know they’re close. You can feel them here; this place reeks of an unholy presence. You should wait until you can zero in on one before you make any moves and hey, you’re already in a bowling alley. Why not pick up a few spares while you wait for your new demondar (that’s like gaydar, but for demons) to fine tune itself.

Give your lovely girlfriend a kiss on the lips, but don’t listen to any of her shit (0:53). You cannot be distracted. Now you can feel the demons closing in from all around you, but you can’t yet tell from where. You need a weapon. Grab one of these sweet bowling balls and finger deeply it until your enemies make a move (0:59).

It's all part of the plan, trust me.

It’s all part of the plan, trust me.

They’ll show themselves any minute now, you can feel them approach. Any second now (1:06)…


demon hunters3




HA! Bet you didn’t see that coming, demon! Lightning fast, you initiate combat. Wow, that demon went right down; these bath salts must have infused your backhand with the power of God himself! Fear my wrath, demons!!!

Now flee this place before others arrive (1:13). You need to regroup and gather your strength for the coming fight. Back at your apartment, you’re finally safe. Ah, your roommate (1:18). Have you got a story for him, wait, what? Oh God, not him too. DEMON!!!!! 

demon hunters5

Don’t look into his eyes, don’t look into his eyes, he’ll cast a spell on you, don’t, don’t…no…

Taken by the demon’s spell, you fall unconscious.

You awaken in a hospital surrounded by demons. LET GO YOU FIENDS! GET THEE BACK! (1:35).

demon hunters6

They’ve got you tied down to a gurney, no doubt preparing you for hours of torture ahead. At least the dubstep in your head hasn’t stopped yet, so you can partially tune their foul language out. Let me go, demons! They begin sticking needles into your skin, and things fade to white (1:55).

You wake again to an empty room. The demons have gone, but you’re still strapped to this gurney. You make one final, desparate attempt to free yourself, but the noise rouses the demon guards. They flood into the room to restrain you. LET ME UP, COWARDS! you scream. FACE ME ONE ON ONE AND DIE BY MY RIGHTEOUS HANDS! But it’s no use. They tighten the straps further and inject you with poison. As you feel it coursing through your veins, you have but one regret. You wish you could have slain more demons.

You tried. Valiant, fallen demon hunter, rest easy. Someone will avenge you.

And Now a Note of Seriousness
There are many messages the US Navy might be trying to impart on us viewers, but all of them will be hard to nail down. One of them might be that demons are all around us at all times. Perhaps another is that if you sniff bath salts, everyone around you will appear to tranfrom into demons. Another might be the important lesson that demon hunting is a solitary trade, and demon hunters will be shunned by modern society. Yet another could be that modeling a public service announcement almost scene for scene around the video for ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ by Prodigy is somehow a good idea or that nobody would notice. Who can say?

Is sniffing bath salts a bad idea? Yes. Will it make you trip balls? Probably! But falsely dangling the prospect of demon hunting right in front of my face like that is a pretty terrible thing for the US Navy’s psychiatry department to do. I’ve been dreaming about hunting demons my whole life; fortunately I’m old enough now that when I see this video I know it’s rubbish. But what if I took it seriously? I’d love to slay me some demons, and this video proves they’re out there! I’d plow through a mountain of bath salts just for the chance to exorcise one minor demon.

You do an admirable job of protecting our seas and enforcing maritime law, US Navy. Why don’t you stick to that instead of going out of your way to mock my dreams of demon slaying.


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