Blowing God’s Mind
This post was designed to blow the mind of the divine. Mortals, proceed with caution.
We all have different goals in life, and many of them exceed the world of the living. Some people are hellbent (ha!) on proving or disproving the existence of one or many God(s). Others want to live forever or actually be God, which personally I think is just a tad bit egocentric. Maybe you’re working on a painting or a project or a thesis, or learning a language or trying to quit smoking or trying to quit smoking businessmen’s genitals for crack money, but odds are most of us have a fantasy desire for a little something extra right? As you no doubt have guessed, I do too.
Me? I want to blow God’s mind.
‘But you can’t!’ – you ignorantly reply – ‘He knows everything, He’s God.’ Walk with me child, and I will teach you my ways.
Really, it all boils down to the age old paradox first presented by The Simpsons in 2002, episode 11 season 13: “Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?” Haha just kidding, the Omnipotence Paradox has been around since probably the 12th century, but since this is 2013 America, I’m guessing that many people hadn’t ever thought of it until they saw that Simpsons episode. But I digress.
Could God microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it? – Fucking, YES. He’s God. He can do what He wants and that includes burning Himself because He got too greedy and goddamned forgot to wait a minute before the burrito cooled off sufficiently. If that couldn’t happen, that whole situation – the burrito, the microwave, all of it – couldn’t exist in the first place. Man makes mistakes and we were all made in God’s image, were we not? He probably just makes less. I mean come on, didn’t He go to college and learn that lesson like everyone else? And God, just so you know, that goes double for hotpockets – they always feel cool enough on the outside but then you bite into one and the second thing you realize one split second after noticing how fucking delicious it is that your tongue is terribly burnt and that you won’t be able to taste anything with it now for the next few days. Good one God, now you have to wish yourself a new tongue or rewind time and wait patiently like a person with some manners for once.
Whoops, got distracted again. Talking about the Almighty eating burritos gets me fired up!
So anyway, now that you’re in complete agreement with me that it’s possible to blow God’s mind in the first place, I have finally figured out how to blow God’s mind, and it’s your lucky day because I’m about to share that with you.
First, imagine you’re God. It’s easier for some I’m sure, but even if it’s hard give it a shot – you may never get this opportunity again. You’re God. You can do anything just by desiring it. You know everything that’s already ever happened, anything that could ever possibly happen, and everything that could never happen, and you could change all of it yesteryear just by thinking it if you wanted to. You know omnithing(TM), you are infinitwhere(TM), and your beard (or ladybeard, depending on your sex) is bitchin’. Are we all on the same page now?
Now my Gods, you begin to understand. You hover above a throne (or cloud or pile of models – whatever you want to hover above) of incalculable power. You are everything you ever wanted or could ever want. Everybody poops but you. Now what?
Maybe in the morning after breakfast, you stop time and create a new reality populated entirely with delicious, mobile semi-sentient tacos. At first they worshiped you and prayed to you, and for a time it was good. A millennium passes. Over time, they become greedy and adulterous, and start worshiping golden cheddar cheese and false idols of chimichangas. You decide it is time for a cull. Having already flooded one planet and being only mildly amused with the results, in your infitine wisdom you settle on a more dynamic approach. Taking the form of a 30ft tall Tyrannosaurus Deus Rex complete with fully functional upper arms and opposable thumbs, you equip yourself with an infinite appetite and instantly explode into their reality. And you feast. You hunt down the choicest tacos in packs, and individually. You herd the spiciest sinners into groups and manifest walls around them, trapping them. You bite and roar, chomp and gorge in such a way that new verbs for ‘massacre’ are created amongst the surviving taco-folk. You can never tire or grow full, and each taco is tastier than the last. Your divine judgement razes the taco reality to the brink of absolute nothingness. But eventually, you grow accustomed to the taste of their meat, the scent of their salsa, the crunch of their shells. You have eaten millions and though you’re not full, you’ve had your fill of this fantasy. You blink the taco reality from existence and restart time, and go about your day.
That was fun, maybe tomorrow you do it again, but with little ice cream sandwiches. Or beers! Maybe next time you’ll take the form of Robocop or the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man but with an immunity to flame. Maybe you’ll create an entire world fully populated with the sexiest aliens you’ve ever dreamed up.
You can do whatever you want forever, or just imagine the outcome and experience how it would have felt to do it without ever having to hover away from your pile of models. There are like, millions of different kinds of foods and probably millions of different forms of Destructors that you can take – the combinations and possibilities are practically endless! Practically.
Remember, you’re God. You’re going to be around for a long, long time. Eventually, you will run out of options. Since you’re God, you will already know this within the first billisecond of being God. Perhaps even within that very first billisecond, you’ve already lived through all of those realities and fantasies in your Godhead. Only an infinity-trillion years left to go; now what?
Eventually, you may come to terms with the fact that after several eons, you will create and likely have sex with everything that can be banged, and that you will eventually become bored. What then?
The only answer will be to intentionally limit your own ability to simultaneously process infinite stimuli. Like putting the blinders on a horse so that it can only see what’s directly ahead of it, or breezing through a video game on the “Easy” difficulty first so that you can get extra replay out of it later by playing it again on “Hard”. If you think about it, it’s actually a lot like microwaving a burrito that’s so hot that you can actually get burned – just to know what it feels like.
So you’re a few infinity billion years in, and you’re playing all the games you can think of that involve sensory deprivation, one after the other. I get it, the burden of everything ever is probably pretty heavy. Maybe you’ll play the Taco people reality again, but this time give yourself just little arms so it’s more challenging to eat them as they flee for their delicious, sinful lives.
Maybe you’ll temporarily restrict your ability to see all things at once. Maybe you’ll say, “For the next trillion years, I wish to see/understand/be only half of the things.”
This is where it really gets interesting. Over the infinite ocean of time, you will eventually limit your senses and play every game you can ever think of, and more. And why not, you’re God. Still with me?
And so it came to pass that I thought of the thought that would blow God’s mind.
You are focusing on spheres of space-time, literally tiny little 3-D bubbles of the universe, one sphere at a time. Perhaps you select cubes or maybe spheres of area, each one about the size of a beach ball. One by one, you limit your infinite perspective to one tiny little bubble at a time, and watch the contents of each sphere as it progresses through a millennia. Imagine picking a bubble of area the size of a beach ball and making a force field around it, and now turning into a kind of crystal ball – you want to see every single event that’s ever occurred within each and every sphere in existence, one sphere at a time. Just to watch every single event that transpires inside one little bubble as it progresses through all of time – then do it again and again and again to see how all of them connect to each other. Imagine picking some random area the size of a beach ball in the middle of the Atlantic and watching everything that happens within that bubble from ‘start’ to ‘finish’. Every time a little fish or a big fish or hopefully a goddamned (Medamned?!) shark swims by, imagine the excitement! Some areas would contain more ‘action’ than others – think of a sphere on the inside of a mountain just watching stone slowly change versus a sphere that just so happens to be positioned at crotch-level at a sweaty Brazilian nightclub in the 70’s.
And the best part is, eventually you’d see everything; how all the spheres interact with and influence each other, how they all bleed into each other, and how they all combine, over time, to weave the brilliant tapestry that is the reality that You created.
Eventually you’ll see everything – every single event (or non-event) that’s ever happened everywhere – but piece by piece, that’s part of the game. It’ll be like putting a 4-D (three dimensions plus time) puzzle together, only little bubble of space-time at a…time.
Eventually you’ll come across me.
Eventually the sphere you select will contain my brain, even for the briefest flicker of time. What’s 10 minutes when compared to a tiny sliver of infinity? But you’re God, so you dig deeper. You want to understand every single atom in every second of every sphere, no matter how much it may disgust you (remember, this is my brain we’re talking about).
Now because you’ve intentionally limited your own perception, you’ll have no warning. You won’t know what you’re walking into. I’ll pray for you, God.
Because eventually, you’ll come across me thinking up the concept of this game.
Maybe, after another infinity, you’ll be able to reconstruct the frayed atoms of your own consciousness back into something that resembles a thought center responsible for operating all that is. Then, once you can form solid thoughts, try another thousand or so years of rehab eating Taco people to get you back on track.
By that time I should be long dead, maybe even serving as like, one of your angels or something, so I figure I’ll be safe from any retaliatory wrath. I mean it’s not like I disobeyed you or anything right? I just followed my dreams, like you would have wanted. Plus there’s already one devil; you don’t want to go through the trouble of making another one do you? But here, just in case…
Forgive me Lord, for I knew not what my mind might do [to Yours]. Also, let this serve as an eternal reminder to let those burritos cool off for just a little bit longer.
I love You.