bellobitesback

In Canada, There Are No Accidents

I’ll be delicate; for all I know some of you are Canadian.

Haha just kidding I barely ever get views from Canada.

It’s been really popular in the past fiveish years to make fun of Canadians. For their smugness, for their weird smug accents, for their excessively smug politeness and for their general international uselessness. Canada bashing has become so popular at this point that it’s basically 1/5 of the show How I Met Your Mother. I’m not just saying that because I’m jumping on a bandwagon; I think How I Met Your Mother has really waned in the past few years. Anyway, since 2006 I’ve been to Canada maybe five times on business, and I’ve met a ton of Canadians.

Were do Canadians and I stand? I can still remember one of the first conversations I had right after my plane touched down in Ontario and I was leaving the rental car garage:

“Excuse me, do you know where there might be a Dunkin Donuts around here?”
“You mean a Tim Hortons?”

Uhhhhh no motherfucker, I meant a Dunkin Donuts. Tim Hortons doesn’t take Visa (or didn’t in 2007) by the way, so watch out if you’ve got no cash and you’re running late to your presentation.

tim hortons
Pictured: the poor man’s Dunkin Donuts

Their paper currency looks and feels like knock-off Monopoly money. If you watch their news for an hour you’ll realize that about 70% of it is actually US news, because apparently nothing happens in Canada. Honestly, I’m sitting in Ontario watching current events that unfolded earlier that day – in Oregon. Get your own news you hacks. Same with their sports channel – it’s basically it was all US sports with the exception of hockey.

Quick, name a Canadian celebrity who actually still lives in Canada. Exactly.

They sit above us, condescendingly reporting on our news, begrudgingly watching our sports, judging us [mostly correctly] for being fat french fry-swilling, gun-happy Americans, yet their society feels and acts like a watered down version of ours.

Also they call water “hydro” and when they say the letter “Z” they actually say the word “Zed”. Like if I asked a Canadian to spell the word “Zoo” they would say “Zed, Oh, Oh”. You smug bastards.

But I’m not writing this to just bash on Canadians. This post is devoted to what they’re doing right, besides being our hat.

Canadians fucking hate accidents. They hate accidents like Republicans hate illegal immigrants, like the Taliban hates a chick driving a car, or like Judd Apatow hates me for lifting that joke right out of Knocked Up. Canadians hate accidents like killer whales hate their trainers, except Canadians hate accidents openly. Don’t believe me? Check out some of their PSAs I saw while I was up there.

Now, I saw these around five or so years ago so this is long overdue – I can only hope they’ve gotten even crazier since then.

And be warned, these actual PSAs that I’m about to show you are a little graphic…and extremely hilarious.

Kitchen Accidents

Fucking yikes! There I was in ’07 or ’08, just sitting innocently alone on my Ontario hotel bed probably scarfing a Subway (ahem, Tim Hortons) sandwich watching the American news, when they break for commercial and that insanity smacks me right in the face. The transition from pseudo-polite newscasting to balls-out graphic violence in under a minute caught me completely off guard. I let out a nervous chuckle, chewed my way through the next few [normal] commercials, and resumed watching the news.

Construction Accidents

AHHHHHHHHH!!! Fucking what the fuck?! This one wasn’t even that guy’s fault!

  • Special effects price tag for showing innocent, hapless construction worker getting just absolutely rocked by a fireball: $200
  • Special effects price tag for showing innocent, hapless construction worker’s rag doll body falling lifelessly down the side of the building: $80
  • Special effects price tag for having lifeless rag doll body of innocent, hapless construction worker collide perfectly with the cab of passing dump truck: priceless

And what’s with that closing line “There really are no accidents”. Uhhhhh, yes there are, haven’t the people in charge of these PSAs ever stubbed their toe before? Anyway, let the carnage continue!

Factory Accident

C’mon Canada, I know you hate accidents but now we’re just getting silly. There is no way that guy would be that calm after getting simultaneously crushed and speared by iron spikes, especially if he knows it’s the supervisor’s fault all along for not reporting that broken shelf. Your blood lust for exterminating accidents is making you sloppy – I mean at this point that guy is basically a talking zombie. Pull it together eh, PSA?

*Author’s note: As you can see, I’m having to dig deeper and deeper into the internet to find these as individual videos. A few enterprising individuals have already made compilations of these five PSAs all lumped together into one video, but I want to give you each one separately if I can. They all have their own unique, albeit drastically unnecessarily violent flavor. Ok, on to the next.

Retail Store Accident

Again, Canada, you gotta be careful when you mess with the reasonable suspension of disbelief while undertaking your ultra violent quest to make the world a safer place. I mean it’s awesome, but I connect a thousand times more with the uninjured coworker’s look of disbelief than I do with the woman who smashed her way through that glass table and then calmly resurrected herself to talk about the dangers of accidents. Also, zombie-boutique worker is right. She shouldn’t have reached over like that! According to Canada you got what you deserved, sucka!

Electricity Accident

Oh Canada, oh Canada. After politely flirting with the premise (as is your wont) you’ve finally lost it and gone full-on zombie. What’s more disturbing to me than the notion that the guy speaking at that funeral is responsible for that zombie’s death is the fact that no one at the funeral is freaking the fuck out that someone just rose from the dead to sorrowfully yet politely accuse his former boss of negligent homicide.

*Author’s Note: Sorry, had to use the full version of all five of these PSAs lumped together into one video – the electricity one is the last one and I couldn’t find anywhere else on the internet.

A Parting Word
Canada, you may strive to emulate American society using only the most embarrassingly fake politically correct cookie cutter versions of our societal norms. You may continue to unapologetically copy our sports and news. You may revel in your love for beer and maple syrup, and that’s actually kind of awesome (no sarcasm there). You may misuse proper English and speak fluent French (ugh) in certain provinces, and know with absolutely zero uncertainty that Tim Hortons will never, ever be equal to Dunkin Donuts.

But even though there are a lot of things I don’t like about you, that doesn’t mean I won’t give credit where it’s due, and goddamnit do I respect the hell out of these PSAs.

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