Crab Cakes

Today I’m going to share some of last night’s dream with you (all).

You guys ready? Got your oneirologist hats on? Because that up there is essentially what we’re up against.

Last night, the second half of my dream featured an evil killer robotic crab.

I had somehow gotten my hands on this old broken down killer robot crab, which everyone knew was involved in a bunch of murders a few years ago, but it was completely inoperational (which apparently isn’t a word, but should be). It was all burnt and blasted; it looked like it had been exploded because all that was left of it was basically just the body [combat chassis] with a single claw still attached.

Anyway I had found the blueprints to complete a piece that would plug into the arm of the claw and make it (and just it) operational. I knew it was risky but I was super curious and dumb, so I constructed the crabclaw component. I kept trying to fit it into the slot in the arm, but it wouldn’t fit. I tried jamming and squeezing and changing angles, but nothing worked. Then I sort of gave up and just set the piece on top of the crab’s arm where it should fit, and that section of the arm opened up all by itself and eased the component into the slot, and then it *clicked* in and voila! It was in there.

That should have been the exact point where I said “Nope” and resmashed the robot to back to robot Hell, but instead I said “Sweet!” and I went to sleep.

When I woke up (still in my dream) I in Vanessa’s bed (score) and the crab was gone (fuck). I looked under the bed and there it was (whew)…eeeexcept now it had all its legs back.

It reconstructed itself while I was sleeping because of course it did, it’s an evil killer robot crab, remember? I was lucky it didn’t slice my neck up while I was sleeping. It was just sitting there perfectly still, so I reached under to grab it. It came alive! GAWWW I dropped it and it scuttled away, so fast!

Vanessa’s still sleeping in the bed that the killer robot crab is under right now, so now I have to wake her up, and somehow calmly explain that A. There’s a killer robot crab on the loose and B. THAT IT’S RIGHT UNDER YOU RIGHT NOW. I tactifully omitted that C. It’s my fault.

So I wake her up and tell her and she doesn’t believe me, and then all of the sudden I’m not next to her in bed anymore, I’m across the room (it’s a dream), and I reach under the bed to try and grab the crab but it flexes all its gross little robot legs and I sort of fling it away and Vanessa screams and the crab scurries down the hall to the bathroom. Mission accomplished!

I’m in the bathroom now, I can see the crab behind the radiator, so real quick I grab it by its butt. To anyone who doesn’t know, that’s the safe spot where you can grab a crab; their little crab claws can’t reach all the way around back.

But a robot crab’s claws can.

So it’s flailing around with all its legs and then WHIRRR the big claws reach around completely backwards and nip me! So I drop it again and then there’s this cat that just wants to investigate/play, but I know the killer crab will kill it just as soon as look at it, so I push the cat away and say GET OUTTA HERE and the cat looks like its feelings are hurt, but it leaves.

Then just the crab and I are in the basement. The crab is crawling all around and over these rusty old pipes with its little metal legs tink tink tink tink tink just like at the end of Arachnophobia.

I keep reaching for the crab but it either avoids me or gives me little nips whenever I come close to getting a solid hold on it. That might not sound like much but trust me, the whole ordeal was super scary. So finally I figure out how to catch it, and because it’s a dream, all of the sudden this giant pile of red string is in my hands. The next time the killer crab is running down a pipe, I toss the entire pile of string on it!

It tries to run away, but gets hopelessly tangled up instead. I lift the whole squirming package up by some of the string and hold it away from me. The crab is going apeshit but I can see it can’t get out anytime soon. I’m about to start swinging it around over my head and then SMASH it on the floor but just before I do, it starts trying to bargain with me!

It talks at me with the voice of James Spader (and a sincere thanks Age of Ultron for having him voice-act a robot; such a solid fit). It says “Wait don’t smash me, instead, hook me up to the internet.”

Obviously I knew this was a terrible, terrible idea so I said no, and then it was like “Why don’t you have a bite of the cake I made you?”

And I looked and I saw that, in addition to mostly reconstructing itself over night, it also made me this fresh yellow crab cake which was sitting right there (which if you think about it, is like a terminator making a cake out of people).

Even though I was dreaming and even though I had already made some really dumb decisions so far, thankfully I wasn’t that dumb.

“Uhhhh no way, we both know what will happen if I eat that cake.”

And you know what killer robot crab James Spader answered me back with, without even missing a beat, and in a disgustingly smug voice?

“I don’t know what will happen.”

I knew he was totally goading me on but for a second I thought to myself, “Man, I should take a bite and see.” but then I realized it was exactly what he wanted, so I decided to smash him on the ground.

But then I woke up.

That means that a killer robot crab voiced by James Spader is still out there in my subconscious, prowling around, scurrying God knows where, reassembling himself, plugging himself into the internet, and almost certainly baking more deadly crab cakes.

I can only hope I am wiser the next time I face him.


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