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Archive for the category “Rants”

No Woman No Lie

There is a common thread that binds us all.  You, me, even that weirdo you know who keeps eating and doesn’t pause to wipe his mouth when a ton of food builds up in the corner crevice of his lips. Like, an entire piece of cheese is just sitting right there on the precipice of his foodhole for minutes on end, and he just keeps eating more. Don’t you know? Don’t you feel it? Are you saving it for later? Are you an alien wearing a skinsuit, doing your best to mimic a human eating, and this is a tiny detail that you overlooked? Cuz it’s gross man.

Whoops, my bad. Topic for another day.

What we all have in common is bearing witness to that person who consistently sings song lyrics wrong. We’ve all been there. It could be your mom, your sister, your daughter, your girlfriend, your wife,  in rare cases a guy – but it’s always the same.

  • They know the lyrics and boy, they “know” ’em so well, they’re gonna sing ’em!
  • In private? Irrelevant! In public? Irrelevant and embarrassing!
  • Attempts at correction, be they made, whether earnest or joking, are most often met with laughter…and a continued merciless mutilation of said lyrics

But wait, I don’t want a bloodbath on my hands. Let’s be roboticly neutral and put sex, gender, age, and pretty much all other identifying factors of the culprits aside. Let’s think forward. Let’s identify the source of the problem and most importantly, let’s focus on how to fix it, because if we don’t work together then goddamnit, we all suffer.

The next time you’re at a bar, a work function, a get together, a freaking BBQ, do you really want to be subjected to some lipsinker performing open-heart surgery on your favorite lyric with all the precision of a blindfolded left shark holding a rusty chainsaw? If you took a second to think about that, there’s a reason you just winced.

not-feeling-left-shark

Honestly I really shouldn’t have to point this out, but that’s the dumb one on the left

Let’s take us through an example. You hear the lyrical abomination and a little light probably flicks on in your brain. If you’re normal, it feels something like “Hmmm, interesting”.

You

6qitsuo

Yaaayyy good for you, you have a rational handle on problem scope! Congratulations! Now here’s a peek at what’s going on inside me:

298490_v1

My poor brain is assaulted by the affront. What’s going on? How? How can I make it stop?! Not only are lyrics not subject to clever argument sidestepping tropes like “debate” or “opinion”, they’re not even dynamic!

The lyrics to a song simply are the lyrics to that song. It’s not a Picasso; there’s no room for cute words like “interpretation”. The words are the same as they’ve ever been or ever will be. You are violating Truth, my on and off again mistress, and you must be stopped.

But lo, I have room for forgiveness. I’m a person, not a monster. Maybe you’re over 30 (like me), and you’re not used to googling every/anything you don’t fully understand immediately. Maybe you thought this is what those lyrics always were; and as such you’ve been committing this atrocity for a long time. You made a mistake, sure, but it was an honest one – that’s the best kind of mistake! It’s not like you were looking at your brother’s side of the Battleship board 18ish years ago when he was out of the room but he came back early and caught you redhanded and he remembers forever now and brings it up in a random blog post, Peter. 

battleship_board_game

Never forget.

My point is that while some things can’t be forgiven, I have it within me to forgive lipsinking, because I am a person who understands empathy, if only at a basic level. But, lipsinker, if you want my forgiveness IT TAKES TWO.

(My basic [see: free] WordPress plan does not allow me to embed videos directly, but if I could, this is where Seduction’s timeless classic “It Takes Two” would be.)

Now we’re in full agreement that hearing an innocent song lyric get distorted is like watching some shitty tourist scribble all over a timeless work of art in a museum, and that’s tops. But if dumbtourist.jpg really, legitimately never knew that it’s wrong to doodle on the Mona Lisa in the first place, it actually isn’t okay to lambast them about it, even if it would feel satisfying. As a Guardian of Truth, you must first do your part. You must treat the lipsinker as an equal.

“HEY! NO! No goddamnit! It’s not “No Woman No Lie!”, Jesus! Think about that for a second! It doesn’t even make sense! Why would he even be singing about women lying all the time?!”

Excellent job! Now that you’ve officially done your part, the onus is on the lipsinker. At this point, the offender has several options which might make sense to them:

  • “Oh wow, I never realized that! I guess I never thought about the lyric’s meaning! Thanks!”
  • -hangs head in silent shame-
  • -listens to lyrics for real, for the first time ever- “Wow, you’re right!”
  • “Hmmm I dunno, I’ll google it.”
  • “Uhhh I thought maybe it’s because he was sick of women lying. Women lie, you know.”

While any of the first four bullets are acceptable to me, that last one is not. This is usage of the Noun known as Denial, which dictionary.com classifies thusly:

1. an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false:
2. refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.
3. disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.
4. blah blah blah the list literally goes up to 7.

So here I am, trying to defend Truth and my own ears, and in doing so trying to help you, and in doing so trying to avoid feeling embarrassed, and your response is denial. Well, that makes my remaining options rather limited…

possible-response

I hope those of you who get this reference appreciate it’s accuracy.

Bello, the Far from Faultless.
I am far from faultless. Further, hear me and hear me well: I HAVE LIPSUNK. Yes, I. I, this Guardian of Truth whose rant you now read. I’m just a man and as such, am flawed. You can’t guard a thing until you understand it, and the paths I take towards enlightenment in a given topic are usually a little…rocky. What I’m saying is, I’ve butchered a song lyric or two in my time.

So what now? We get that this can happen to anyone. As you’re reading this at your desk with your headphones on, listening to Pandora for songs that you’ll want to add to your “Sing Along” Spotify Playlist, know that you could be lipsinking right now. And I’m cool with that. I’m cool with it mostly because I cannot hear you, but that point can be moot until you’re within range. But if anyone can be guilty of this sin at any time, why does it bother me? Why do I bother? There will always be lipsinkers.

Because a cause doesn’t stop being worthy when it becomes difficult to achieve.

This is a worthy cause. With every lipsinker corrected, think of the many ears that are saved from future abuse. There will always be lipsinkers yes, but know too that there will always be people like me. Guardians of Truth.

I won’t be rude. I won’t be all in your face about it. I won’t jeer or point. I may not even say anything; I may just be like this internally 298490_v1.

I may also do it myself and if I do, please tell me, because I’d rather sing truth than lies.

It boils down to this: People who care about honoring the artist’s intent will research the correct lyric, will alter the way that they’ve been singing the song in the future. People who care will change, people who don’t care won’t, and bringing that choice to the forefront of someone’s mind is about as much as I can do.

In the end, if ever we are faced with this decision, we must all choose.

Guard Truth? Or knowingly butcher it?

Are you a Lipsinker?

 

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Parents, Local Middle School Clamber Over Who Can Make Worse Decisions

Ever wonder what happens when an unstoppable idiot meets an immovable dumb?

Nuclear-explosion-mushroom-cloud_1600x900

That is what happens.

Read this bullshit.

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/04/04/17605048-parents-outraged-that-mass-middle-schoolers-were-denied-lunch?lite&lite=obinsite

Trends like these worry me, and what worries me most is that these are actually becoming trends.

The Summary
As usual I’ll stay true to my typical format and summarize that shit so that you don’t have to be bothered by one single extra mouse click. I do this mainly so that the rant which follows is at least loosely based in reality. And as usual, I’ll try to be as neutral and fact-based as possible for now. Don’t worry, the biases will flow like a river of slime (think Ghostbusters II), but we’re not there yet.

It's as though all of Bello's pent up rage has finally personified itself as pink goo. Run, run now.

These readings indicate that all of Bello’s pent up rage has finally personified itself as a pink, viscous slime. Run. Run now.

The Facts

  • Apparently a middle school in Attleboro, MA declined to serve cafeteria lunches to somewhere around 25 students who could not pay for them last week.
  • In the event that a student cannot pay for said lunch, procedure should have been to give them what I’ll call a ‘barebones meal’; a cheese sandwich and milk. For whatever reason, this procedure was not followed.
  • The combined debt of the 25ish students currently totals to about $1,800.
  • Parents are “outraged”.

The Assessment
I struggle with making sense of moral riddles such as these. Not knowing where to turn for answers, I got into my helicopter, flew to Attleboro and conducted a second round of interviews with both the parents and the Whitsons Culinary Group of Islandia (the food service provider). I encouraged them to speak freely from their hearts and assured them that their commentary would remain private and unjudged. As a side note, it made me feel insanely awesome to lie to their faces.

Here are some of the sparkliest gems that I’ve hand-plucked from the hours and hours of direct quotes that I totally recorded:

Parents:

I googled "parents" to find this picture. I did not draw it.

I googled “parents” to find this picture. I did not draw it.

“This is horseshit! Since when does my child have to pay for food?! He’s carrying a 95% average for Christ’s sake!”

“Well yes, I am outraged! Who does this school think they are? Charging money for food?? It’s a school, not a gulag! What’s this world coming to?!”

“I, uh, I never knew I was supposed to keep on filling up my kid’s pre-paid food account. I thought that like, you just fill it up once in the beginning of the year and then it’s free for like, the rest of the year.”

“Why should I have to pay when the school will just keep giving my kid a free lunch of cheese sandwich and a milk carton forever?? I fucking love cheese and milk and by God, by the end of this school year so will my child!!”

“This is an OUTRAGE! Those motherfuckers!! I missed a meal that I couldn’t pay for once back when I was a little kid and I died, TWICE!!”

“Because of this tragedy my child CRIED at school! I mean, actually cried! I’ve never heard of that ever happening to any child at any school anywhere for any reason! Just think of the mental scarring which no doubt occurred because of my inability to pay for my own child’s meal!! Do you know a good lawyer?”

“Where do they get off denying my child a free lunch? What kind of example is this setting for little Billy? If all the other kids get full meals, mine should too! And so fucking what that they’re actually paying for their meals and my kid isn’t?! My shitty financial situation completely justifies my arduously continued lack of payment!”

At this point in the interview, I became nearly overcome with rage, and did what any sane person would do when submerged in this level of horseshit. Like a giant mutant combination of a python and a great white shark, I unhinged, then extended my lower jaw out of my face to the point where it could reach both of my ears, and I then proceeded to gnaw both of them off immediately so as to save the last shred of my sanity. I then bandaged up my head (you’d be surprised how much you bleed after chewing your own ears off), grabbed the recorder and proceeded inside the school office like a wounded but resolute knight’s squire stepping into the lair of a slumbering elder dragon.

School:

Lady you're scaring us!

Lady you’re scaring us!

“Yes of course not every decision we make is perfect, like when we accidentally issued some of the derelict kids meals and then forced them to throw them out in the trash. Who do you think we are, God? The point is, we’ll be better about issuing meals by accident in the future, since it totally matters to us financially whether or not those meals which we’ve already paid for end up inside of a kid’s stomach or in the trash.”

“…and to make matters worse, I am told that at least one student who was able to actually pay for his own lunch had the gall to share his food with one of those other mooches! Oh don’t you worry, we will track him down and discipline him according to school procedu – What?! – You say a student bit into a slice of pizza in such a way that the remaining crust vaguely resembles a handgun? Dust off my cat o’ nine tails, I’m going to work.”

Since most people don't know what a cat o'nine tails is.

Since most people don’t know what a cat o’nine tails is.

“This’ll show ’em. All that free bread, cheese and milk we’ve been giving away lately is almost unfathomable. I’ve been working here for seven years and the cheese larders are dangerously low! Again, WE ARE FACING A CHEESE SHORTAGE!”

“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but whether or not the kids pay at lunchtime is almost completely moot – all the meals are already bought and paid for from the Food Service Provider. Oh, what’s that, hold on I just got an email on my iphone. Shit, it says I’m fired.”

“What’s a school lunch cost anyways, $3.50? And what’s 1,800/3.50? About 514. And what’s 514/25? That’s a little over 20. So if the school is owed about $1,800 in back payments for food, the math says that on average, each of these little freeloaders is already about twenty payments late. Can’t we just expel them?”

After this second round of interviews I felt so nauseous that I vomited remnants of my ears out onto the floor. I brushed my shoes clear of ear and fled back to my helicopter to hurriedly type this post while my last glimmer human consciousness yet remained flickering in my head.

Back to the Facts
Aren’t there some important facts and questions which need to be addressed here?

  • Aren’t the parents doing the complaining the same exact parents who’ve doomed their children to seemingly perpetual bread and cheese sandwiches?
  • What the school/food service provider did was wrong, period. Who thinks forcing a bunch of poor kids to throw out their lunch is a good idea? Whether or not a kid already paid you $3.50 (or whatever) for it, the money to process that meal was already paid.
  • If a kid cries at school because he missed lunch, is that a big deal? Is it newsworthy? I’ve missed plenty of lunches and it sucks, but I was never in the news for it.
  • What does the school/food service provider do if a kid is never and will never be able to pay for lunch? Cheese sandwiches forever? Is there a cut off point?
  • Most importantly, what kind of cheese?

The Judgement
Again, the school/food service provider fucked up. But is this really an ‘outrage’? Sometimes people like to exaggerate words that make their beliefs look more justified, even if it turns out they’re not really using those words correctly anymore. Just because your child missed a meal and you’re peeved about it doesn’t make this an outrage. If the fat kid from Kindergarten Cop was eating all your kids lunches several times a week and no one was doing anything about it all year, that would be an outrage. A somewhat hilarious outrage, but an outrage nonetheless.

001393_35

I could laugh angrily at this all day.

This is a screw up.

Because these hotheaded parents made such a big deal about one single screw up, the media spotlight shone on them, and it revealed some ugly crust.

I think it’s fair to argue that if you haven’t paid a dime for your own kid to eat a school lunch over 20 times in a single year, you may be taking advantage of the system.

Even if you’re not taking advantage and doing everything in your power to make ends meet but they still aren’t, some of you appear to be skipping over the fact that each of their kids has essentially eaten for free on average, 20+ times each. About 20 free (albeit crappy) meals and one missed free (crappy) meal, and you raise this kind of stink? What happened to being thankful for the other 19?

Frankly I was surprised to learn that any program was in place to feed kids who can’t pay. Don’t get me wrong I think it’s a great idea, but so would be giving free food to everyone who can’t afford food. I just didn’t expect such a program to even exist in the first place.

The way I see it, the school or food service provider or whoever made the call made a lousy, stupid, shortsighted decision.

Some of the parents seem to have made many.

This is Bello, and I have bitten back.

grilled-cheese-sandwich-646

Enjoy your lunch.

Justice

Yes, yes and yes. It is April 4 2013, and I am fulfilled. Every so often reality actually comes through for me and gives me justice, and this is one of those times.

sword of justice

Read and enjoy – how could you not?

Conceptual Justice Personifies Itself in the Earthly Form of a Bullet; Delivers Itself to some Asshole’s Crotch

I’d like to take this moment to thank any and all multiversinal and/or cosmic forces, deities both divine and imaginary, karma, the ebb and flow of reality in general and lastly my own sense of perception for being able to recognize and appreciate true unadulterated justice when I get the rare chance to witness it.

Here’s my summary for those of you who are click-link-phobic:

Some dickhead in Chicago shot himself, possibly in the dick head, while “playing with a gun”, while driving. 

Then he blamed it on NINJAS.

This scenario is to modern manufactured courtroom justice as biting directly into a chunk of dripping honeycomb is to eating a honey packet at an Ihop with a spoon. Sure they’re both kind of the same thing, but one tastes so much better than the other.

It’s so rare that my Libran wants and needs are so completely satisfied by events that occur in real life. Even with all the shit that’s going on in the world right now, my justice quota is full for the rest of the day.

Why did this gang member, (ahem, person with “gang ties” who also has a gun), have his gun out while he was driving?? Clearly he never had anything that even closely resembles the proper training one needs carry and operate a firearm; I might even go so far as to assume that he procured and carried that weapon through [gasp] illegal means! Also, to have a gun in your lap while driving a car strongly suggests to me that he was about to do a drive-by on someone, but shot himself instead because he’s an idiot.

Like this, but dumber.

Like this, except aim lower and at yourself. 

And then to blame it on ninjas, or “two men in ninja masks”…

See any guns in there?

See any guns in there?

Come on you dumb shot bastard, we all know ninjas don’t use guns. Maybe your mind was weak from blood loss? Or dick loss? I mean I don’t want to wish dick loss on anyone really, but if it’s going to happen to someone out there I’d rather it be the dick of a potential murderer.

Maybe I’m being harsh. It was an accident after all, and the only victim here is the same person as the perpetrator. And this guy got it pretty rough; even if the bullet didn’t hit his actual crotch, I’m sure being shot in the general groin area is no fun at all. Maybe I should just back off and leave him alone, right? Wrong, fool! The fact that he’s the only victim here is entirely incidental to me – that bullet could have gone anywhere. It is his intent that matters, and let’s agree that it probably wasn’t altruistic. Would you still be clinging to that line of thought if the bullet had missed this guy’s groin and maybe gone through the window of the car next to him, striking some bystander? Of course you wouldn’t, because you’re not a sociopath.

That’s why this is justice. He got what he was about to give.

lady of justice

With all the rough shit that’s going down right now internationally and in this country – civil wars, nuclear threats, rampant gun violence, mothers and babies being attacked and killed – it’s good to see even a tiny dash of dick justice sprinkled into the mix.

Crapcoated Goodness

I must be brief as I am pressed for time, but know that I’d go off on a fullscale rant if I had about two more hours. Think of this as a mini-rant.

Tonight, Coca Cola will debut a forward-thinking, progressive new commercial; apparently the first of its kind for any soda company. Here’s a link to it!

I want to make a few things crystal clear before I begin my rant, because once I start I won’t be able to stop myself until I run out of time.

  • I love Coke and, in general, coca cola products. Pepsi is to Coke as GoBots are to Transformers. 

“Holy shit we’re lame.”

  • I will continue to drink Coke for as long as it continues to be delicious.
  • In general terms, I applaud that commercial and the message it sends, which is “America, take some responsibility for the things you put into your mouth.” [I have no time for a follow-up dick joke]
  • I hope this actually paves the way for a change in advertising themes, but, being as terribly jaded with modern media as I am, I doubt it.

So what’s wrong? I love Coke, I like the direction they went in, and the commercial wasn’t terribly lame.

The commercial highlighting America’s obesity problem contained approximately zero obese people. 

You were so close Coca Cola. Your commercial was generally tasteful and informative. Your stats, if correct, look great! As a company, you appear to be moving in the correct direction. But most importantly, you at least partially alluded to the idea that people need to take more responsibility for what they binge-consume. I liked the bit about calories count regardless of their origin, so as not to demonize your own delicious product. I liked how you had the guts to refer to the ‘calories in, calories out’ methodology as “common sense”, because it fucking is. I also like how you stated pretty much all of that as fact instead of as the harmless opinion of little old you, because stating things as facts can be riskier; it immediately opens you up to vulnerability when people disagree with you. So close, but so far.

If the theme behind your commercial directly addressing America’s obesity problem doesn’t display even one single obese person, something is wrong. Were you still a little scared? Did your marketing department think that equating getting fat by accident to a lack of common sense was already too risky? Here’s the problem with what you did, foolios.

You removed the willing suspension of disbelief, but you didn’t follow through. I only have time for one or two more analogies before I insult you, plead for change, proofread this post and then get back to my life.

First, think of any Old Navy commercial. They’re all so stupid and awful that every time I see one I come within a hairsbreadth of murdering the next living thing I set my eyes on, and I know I can do it too because every Old Navy commercial that makes it to the tv is just one more reminder that there is no god. They’re bright and peppy and spunky and all of the other adjectives I hate wrapped up together and bow tied in an orgy of all the worst shining neon parts of consumerism, and the music sucks too. But it’s their jam and honestly, they own it. If you’re gonna do something, own it. Their commercials are so dumb and over-the-top dumb and dumb and dumb, that it’s understood to their dumb viewers that they are not an example of reality, because they’re too dumb. People don’t have snowball fights with laughing little children who are all wearing different brightly colored pants in real life without at least one of those kids getting a bloody nose in the first five minutes – that’s not real life. But that’s what happens in Old Navy commercials and we all get it, we just see it, suppress the urge to vomit, and understand in our heads “Oh it’s just an Old Navy commercial, and god is somehow simultaneously dead and hates us.” Now imagine if halfway through the next Old Navy commercial you happen look up from sharpening your butcher’s cleaver because you’ve finally snapped, and the commercial just stops and the announcer says “Hey, we know this isn’t what real life is like, but we’ve got some amazing deals on glittens (gloves + mittens) right now, so you should come buy some” and then they show some glittens without fucking glitter and elves prancing around all over the place. They would be dropping the willing suspension of disbelief, which A) I would be grateful for and B) would be a wake up call to the viewer.

That’s what YOU did Coke, but you screwed it up! We all KNOW that obesity is a big fat problem right now – how fat we are as a nation is in the news almost every day. We all KNOW we should be making better choices and being more conscious of what we eat and drink because like, more than half of us are fat. What you did doesn’t make any sense; even if your intentions are good they’re coated in crap. You stopped the shiny flashy Old Navy commercial halfway through and you brought the viewer back to reality, but then you resumed the bullshit right after. A commercial highlighting obesity problems and solutions marketed towards an obese society which doesn’t show even one obese person is absurd. It’s like a Go Army commercial which doesn’t show guns or being yelled at by a drill sergeant. Not everyone likes looking at guns either, but if you join the freaking Army, chances are you’re going to see a few.

Was this your best attempt at displaying a fat person?

This is actually a pretty solid workout.

This is actually a pretty solid workout.

Pitiful! I can look around right now and see three, maybe four people who are fatter than this. And Coke, I can’t even really feel that bad for you either; how could you expect us not to notice the lack of fatties when the entire freaking theme you’re trying to push is anti-obesity? If anything, it should have been tons (heh) of heavier people working out and getting in shape, with maybe a few leaner people sprinkled in here and there for good measure.

Why didn’t you go all the way Coke? Don’t be scurred, step up and own it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to drink about four of those mini ‘portion control’ sized cans of coke and get back to work.

To the Past

I sometimes feel the need to apologize to past generations for the sins of the present. Even sins that have nothing at all to do with me. Look at this shit.

im-a-nerd-calm-down

This is male.

This is male.

Once is too much for these people.

Once is too much for these people.

But I’m serious. To everyone out there 40 or older, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You deserve better than this, especially if you’re older. You lived through tough times, through actual trials, possibly (though admittedly doubtfully if you’re reading this blog) an actual World War. You deserve better than this.

I don't want to understand what could make this appealing to anything that can use reasoning.

I don’t want to understand what could make this appealing to anything that can use reasoning.

We live in a time where idiocy is celebrated and praised. Common sense is tossed to the wayside, leaving a mental vacuum, and maybe more importantly, a moral vacuum that is all too easily filled by vapid consumption.

In 2012, ‘competitive bearding’ is a sport that has its own tv show. I won’t link to their website because I’m not an asshole, but here, look at this.

bearding

Oh yes, fascinating. What the fucking fuck could possibly be the premise of this show? Are we the viewers expected to sit and watch these people grow facial hair? Is this what IFC thinks of us? Are there people out there in the world who aren’t ‘competitive bearders’ who take competitive bearding seriously? Is this shit contagious, or if we nuked whatever location hosts the next one of these events, will we get them all?

bearding2

They are comparing themselves to Olympians. Does no one else besides me understand how fucked up that is? They think this 

121115whisker-wars1_300x206

…is comparable to this

2012-Olympics-Gold-medal-winners_1_1

Now I try to give credit where credit’s due, and one of these teams has much sweeter beards than the other. That’s…cool I guess.

People with common sense, past generations, parents, grandparents, older folks, old souls and vengeful ghosts, I apologize. It’s not my fault, but I apologize for all this bullshit. I just feel like I have to. Someone has to. All you worked for, all the faith, blood sweat and tears you poured into making this country, this world, to help make it what it is today…you deserve better than this.

We deserve something better than this.

This fucking thing is a millionaire

This fucking thing is a millionaire

Alexis “Doin’ it” Wright

She banged everyone. 

I’ll assume you haven’t been keeping up to date with the latest nasty happenings in Kennebunk Maine, where a zumba instructor there has been charged with ‘zumbaing’ a whopping 150 male clients.

One hundred and fifty. All together, that’s 300 nuts. Think about dying someday, which is depressing, I know. You’ll go back and revisit old memories, old friends, first experiences and the special moments that have contributed to your life. If you’re lucky enough, you’ll think of your current partner, and maybe even former lovers.

Allegedly, at some point in the future Alexis Wright will be able to fondly recall the sound that over 300 balls make when they slap against her. I tried thinking about an applicable picture I could use right here to symbolize that, but I just threw up in my own lap. Lexi, dear, that is too many balls.

Someday, laying in her bed hopefully surrounded by friends, family and loved ones (hopefully not figuratively haha), she’ll smile one last time. “I really screwed Kennebunk”, she’ll mouth to herself. You’re right, Wright. You really did. You screwed all of it.

Practically speaking I understand that hookers exist; prostitution is, after all, the oldest profession in the world. For all I know, having an [alleged] client list of 150 is normal, or maybe even low by comparison. Maybe that’s just a month’s worth, what do I know? I have nothing for comparison. But ugh, a hundred and fifty dicks? Yeah, no thank you. I ran a google search on Alexis Wright herself to see what all the fuss is about. She’s pretty, which is great, but now my mousehand has open sores on it and my monitor burns when it takes a piss.

Aside from my personal fascination/revulsion, several other aspects of this brief article were surprising to me. The cops are releasing the names of all the clients (the ‘johns’), which I think is fine. If prostitution is technically a crime, then people who bang hookers are criminals, just like thieves are criminals. The argument to keep the names private out of fear of embarrassment is just as baseless to me as an argument to keep the names of any other criminal secret. The hilarious part to me is: “Accused clients previously identified by police include a former mayor, a former minister, a firefighter and a high school ice hockey coach.”

I feel like I’m watching Batman Begins and Ra’s Al Ghul is telling Bruce Wayne how corrupt Gotham is.

“You are defending a city so corrupt that we have infiltrated every level of its infrastructure.”

Jesus Batman. She has [allegedly] infiltrated every level of its infrastructure. And her infrastructure has [allegedly] been infiltrated by every level of Kennebunk’s. Just let Kennebunk burn at this point.

Another gem from the article: “Police have been identifying them every other Friday but delayed last week’s release because of the Thanksgiving holiday.”

Ah, that’s so decent of you Kennebunk police department, to respect the holiday season like that! There are literally around 92 remaining culprits to publicly shame, but you at least have the decency to hold off on revealing their names over the Thanksgiving break – I mean come on, that would just be rude!

Chanukah starts December 9 this year, will you be making exceptions for that as well, or is it only Christian holidays?? How ridiculous.

This whole situation is absurd! For one prostitute to come into a town and [allegedly] bang like, all of its dudes demonstrates some deep seated issues with…yes, with the town. Is every single male in Kennebunk so deprived and depraved that one hot zumba instructor can come screw all of them? All 150 of the [alleged] clients can’t have been single; is there something in the water up there that makes men disinterested in their wives and girlfriends?

How much does a legit zumba lesson cost anyway? Didn’t anyone notice anything when ministers, firefighters and other men who might look maybe a little out of place in a zumba class started signing up for her zumba class in droves? I mean I don’t want to typecast, but it’s hard not to. Ever gone to a yoga class? It’s pretty easy to tell the people who don’t belong.

With an [alleged] client list that large, it’s so stupidly clear that SO many people must have known something was up, and I’m not just talking about the [alleged] clients.

Wake up Kennebunk!

I’m Tired

Running on empty.

I need power, I need energy. It’s like my body is encased inside the body of a 10ft tall ice golem with a bad case of gout. It’s like my brain is controlling a rusted, broken down combat chassis remotely, and my brain is pissed about how sluggish and unresponsive it is.

Doesn’t this fucking thing move any faster?!

If I tripped and fell right on my own face, I would just stay down. If my skull makes physical contact with anything it will immediately transpose all of my body weight against it and I will lose consciousness. Every time my eyelids close just for a millisecond when I blink, during that time I feel warm, fuzzy, loved and morally right. Then each time I reopen, the light of reality brutally invades and rapes my brain. I have been at my desk for 13 minutes.

How will I make it through this day?

I need white-hot black Columbian coffee injected directly into my eyeballs.

Overdose me, I don’t give a shit.

I require a jumbo 5 Hour Energy enema STAT.

You’ll have to use your imagination; I’m not google image searching “enema”

In order to attain standard levels of operational efficiency I need to submerge my manhood into a boiling cauldron of sriracha, then pour honey on my back and bash an African killer bee nest with a wiffleball bat while locked inside a closet with it.

Throw a cube of ice down the back of my shirt, watch me not care and then tell me it’s dry ice.

Put me in the Boo Box from the movie Hook.

Boo! BOO!

Wear gloves coated with broken glass and dipped in hydrogen peroxide, then slap me in the face.

Harvest every last drop of adrenaline from nine charging Silverback Gorillas, heat it up, mix it with bull semen and make me gargle it for 45 minutes or until I drown.

Fly me down to the Bahamas, make me sit outside for three days straight and then rattail my sunburn with a wet piece of kevlar.

Power levels are bottoming out. Quick, put on spiked steeltoe boots and kick me right in the dick.

Do all of this to me at once and then make fun of my baldness while cutting me in line and blowing secondhand smoke into my face, while your hipster friend hides behind his shitty glasses and presents the argument to me that Fox news is unbiased.

[fingers clench and unclench, but then go limp again]

Nope, still not enough. Going to sleep now. Leave my body where it falls.

Storage Losers Being Outlosered: A National Tragedy

Ok, back to basics. Here’s the ridiculous article that caught my attention this morning:

Wahhhhhh

The Summary
TL;DR > Shitty reality shows have recently inflated in number and gotten shittier, due to an all around decrease in class by the American viewing public. A shining example is Storage Wars, which is a show centered around people buying other people’s old stuff. I believe it’s actually when a person has a storage unit that they’ve stopped paying the payments on, because they can no longer afford to or they forget or they’re dead or they no longer give a shit, which I guess could also mean they’re dead. The company that owns the now defunct storage unit auctions it off. The ‘fun’ is that you never know what could be in one of these storage units; most of them haven’t seen daylight in years or even decades. Priceless antiques, old furniture, clothes or stacks of old newspapers, who knows!

You never know what you might find!

So human vultures somehow get wind of this, and literally form crowds to bid on other people’s memories. It’s basically like grave robbing, except the thieves pay the owner of the cemetery a small fee before they’re allowed to root through the coffin and take what they want. But that’s not even the worst part. They made a show out of this and people watch it, which by extension endorses it, but that’s not the worst part either. This has existed well before the show did; there are people who’ve fashioned entire careers around buying the now-publicly owned belongings of the dead (or poor). But that’s not the worst part.

Let that sink in. Pretend I’m a “regular” or a “Storage Warrior” as the article puts it. How romantic haha. Anyway, say I’m 45 years old and for the past 20 years, my ‘job’ has been to root out storage units whose owners have either fallen on hard times (too poor to continue to pay) or have fallen on very hard times (are dead). This is my job. My career entails such skill sets as gauging the location, demographics and other factors about the units’ previous owner, and weighing that against what I’d be willing to pay of my own money to go sifting through that person’s belongings, in the hopes that I find something valuable I can hawk for more money. If that was me, every day when I woke up and looked in the mirror I would spit at my own face out of reflex, because I would be a despicable parasite. Like say, a hookworm.

Uhhh hey, so I heard that you’re either dead, or you can’t afford to pay to store your belongings anymore. What I’m gonna do is guess their worth by looking at how old you are and where you live, then yell a minimal dollar amount out to an auctioneer who’s going to sell me all your memories. I hate myself, but I’m too useless to actually do anything about it. k thx bi.

THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART.

These bipedal hookwormy parasite people have the gall to complain that the popularity of the Storage Wars show is creating too much interest in their…hobby? Profession? Remorseless scavenging? Storage unit auctions are apparently drawing large crowds of newbies, and the old veterans can’t afford to outbid them as thoroughly as they could in the past anymore.

They are literally complaining that they’re having trouble buying the belongings of people who are either dead, or who could no longer afford to pay for storage of their own belongings.

They were comfortable when they were the only big hyena feasting on the carcass of someone else’s life, but now that there’s a flock of vultures circling overhead for the first time ever, they’re bitching. Because for the first time in their ‘career’ they actually have competition, and they don’t like it. 

Well guess what, deal with it. People just as shitty as you caught the scent of a way to make easy money with minimal effort, and it’s your fault. And it’s the tv network’s fault for making a show about people like you. And it’s the viewers’ fault for indulging this tripe and making the show gain any popularity at all in the first place. Guess what viewers, when you watch a show on tv, the network tallies it. If a show gets enough views, they will make more episodes of it, regardless of how morally bankrupt it is, and it saddens me that Storage Wars is one of the better ones.

I guess that is the worst part.

If your career is trying to outbid other people to buy other people’s old things and your career is now in jeopardy…well, I can’t offer a solution for that problem because there will always be shitty people looking for easy money. But at least now you know what to do when you look in the mirror every morning!

I Have Too Much Power

I feel like that’s so accurate it could be a photograph of me, except I have even more power and also someone shopped me some hair (I’ll take it).

I have too much power. Too much. That’s not to say I want to share it or give any of it up, I’m just sayin’ is all. Perhaps I’m meta-aware of my standing in time and the universe right now, but I am absolutely pulsing with power and ability.

How did I get this way? Eating right and living a healthy lifestyle? Am I the human offspring of a Roman god? A gamma radiation experiment gone wrong? Did I drink two 5 Hour Energies in a row?

None of that nonsense, lowly mortal! Hearken to me, allow me to demonstrate but a small fraction of my awesome and terrible power.

I want to watch the 1989 sci-fi thriller Leviathan tonight. I will.

For the next eight hours I want to peruse through an infinite number of musical selections, for free, of songs that are calculated to be to my liking. I will.

Hmmm, now I want something more tangible, something physical. I know, I want the actual dvd of the movie Wall-E within my possession by the end of the week. And I want it brand new and for cheap, say, under $10.00. It is mine.

I’ll be in the city tonight, and I want directions. I’ll be driving home after work, and I want to check traffic. Maybe now I’m home and I want to get my creep on and read about Karen O’s personal life history!

It is within my power to get almost anything I want, within mere days, hours, minutes or even seconds of wanting it. Now weakling, pay attention. Let me reveal the source, the wellspring from which my power gushes nigh uncontrollably:

It is the magic of the internet that lends me my might. A series of tubes to some, a conduit of omnipotence for me. I can look down across the land with a god’s eye view! I can be nearly instantly informed of the latest and greatest news, announcement or conflict in any major city in the entire world, any time I want.

If I can think of a thing that exists, I have the potential to see that thing, research it or buy it in under one minute.

In the slow moving march of centuries, no other generation of humanity can make such a claim, or even properly imagine its scope. Just ahead of my fingertips is more cumulative knowledge and power than all that existed in all collective kingdoms in the entire world for the past 500 years. 500 years ago if even a king wanted something that wasn’t in his immediate vicinity, the fastest method of communicating that desire was by carrier pigeon; now I can share pictures of bacon and my fabulous ties with the entire world in nearly an instant. The potential extent of my influence is nearly infinite; I am like unto a God.

Ask me something I don’t even know yet. I’ll just use this.

www.google.com

I didn’t even have to exert myself for this endowment; like all true ascension I was born into it. I was born right on the crest of the exact microscopic wave-sliver of time in the history of existence that spells the difference between me gathering berries in a loincloth, slaving all day under a feudal lord who I’ve never met, or driving a day’s walk on foot home in under 30 minutes inside of my automated chariot to find a computer animated masterpiece starring a hopeful robot who finds true love in the future in my mailbox.

Wall-E gets it.

I am equal parts ecstatic, humbled and terrified of my own power.

I, a modern god of average means, have more golden opportunity stretched in front of me than all the humans who have ever lived or died in the past (just googled how long humans have been around) ~200,000 years, and by the standards of my society I’m not even materially rich.

It’s a good thing this power is available only to me.

Business Meatings

Are we all here? Ok good. Well, good morning everyone. We’ll begin today’s meeting by reviewing the action points from the previous meeting last quarter. Would anyone like to go first? No? That’s fine, I will.

I’ll start by saying that absolutely everything that was discussed at our last meeting is still exactly the same. No changes whatsoever. As we all know we discussed many theoretical workarounds to at least one issue last time, but they were and still are just theories because all of the same roadblocks remain in place. Of course, you all know about the roadblocks already because you were all at the last meeting with me, in fact Johnson, I remember you wore the same exact tie. Should we take this time to review any of these roadblocks in further detail? No? Ok, is anyone here aware of any updates to any of these roadblocks, in case any of you are on some kind of magical email chain that doesn’t exist? Haha I’m just kidding, wouldn’t that be funny though? So to recap, we are all aware of the roadblocks that we identified the last time around, all of our potential solutions are just unrealistic theories and as we all know there are no new updates. Everyone on the same page? Great, moving on.

I see several of you printed out agendas for today’s meeting, which makes me chuckle. Ha ha. Anyway, those agendas are no good because I’ve taken the liberty of altering today’s agenda about 15 minutes ago. So unless you printed out the agenda right before you stepped in here, it’s basically worthless, but feel free to doodle on it or use it to take notes. That reminds me, is anyone recording the minutes and bulletpoints for the next meeting? Johnson why don’t you handle it this time. So to recap so far, there are no updates to any of the problems we talked about last meeting, everyone is completely aware of these problems, and we’ve also confirmed that everyone knows that everyone else knows it too, and always will. Unless of course someone creates a new magical email chain, in which case please cc everyone here when you do so that nothing changes ever.

Alright where were we? Oh yes, the worthless agenda. Yeah so that’s no good. Instead, what I’d like for us to do is for each of us to go around the room and talk about any new or ongoing problems that are frustrating us currently in our own respective areas. Since, as we all know, it’s virtually impossible for any of us here to actually contribute in a meaningful way to anyone else’s issues, when someone is speaking the onus is on each of us to simply try and remain awake. If you’d like to take on a more active role, feel free to jump in at any point with an inflammatory statement, rumors, gossip or some good old misinformation. It especially helps if you claim to have heard a rumor from a source which cannot be verified. That way, it should take the original speaker and the rest of us a good 10 minutes or so to unravel everything and get back on track.

Alright, Johnson get ready to record all this bullshit! Let’s start with the folks in [a branch in your company]. Go!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>At least two hours pass<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Excellent! Johnson I can see that your hands are shaking dangerously and that you’re bleeding out of your eyes, so you must have recorded all that perfectly. I think that almost wraps up our quarterly. So just as a recap, we’ve confirmed that we’re all aware of the issues and that nothing at all has changed. Also I want to say that we definitely came close to making a few breakthroughs back there when we were nose deep in each other’s dirty laundry and as a plus we’re all just a little bit more frustrated with each other than we were when we woke up this morning, correct? Say, is anyone else in this room so filled with helpless, impotent rage right now that they feel like they could shit out a pile of red hot burning coals until it melts a hole through the building? Is anyone else’s mouth drowning in the bloody, coppery iron hard reality that all of our respective jobs just got that much more difficult because we all just wasted the last three hours doing absolutely nothing productive and contributing nothing to anything? Does anyone else want to run over a group of baby ducklings with a lawnmower just on the off chance that it might make their soul feel something again, even if it’s only eternal pain and regret? Nope, no one? Oh well, I feel like I must be drastically missing the point of these meetings then, because if even one other person raises their hand and agrees with me that we’ve made about as much difference as a pack of lemmings pissing into the ocean right before they all drown, I will high five you, kiss you on the mouth and then we can escape this void of emptiness by committing ritual suicide together out in the parking lot right after lunch.

No one? Oh well, it must just be me!

Instead of relaying literally everything we just spent the past three hours babbling about via an email that has just a single paragraph in it, I’ll schedule another meeting in three months so we can rehash all of this all over again. Sound like a plan?

Alright, I’ll see you all next quarter!

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